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New Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 3/22/2010 6:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi All,
I am new to posting on any forums.  If I remember correctly, I am supposed to tell a little about myself first. 
I need to add a disclaimer that I am well-aware my current state is so bad because I have no health insurance, so no antidepressants or therapy.  I am in the process of finding reduced fee doctors and therapists, but they are hard to come by.
There are so many issues, I will try not to go on too long.  Let me start with the most shame-producing issue.  I received my Master's degree in Counseling in December 2008, so I know what I 'should' do.  I know what to tell other people, but it doesn't apply or work for me.  Therefore, there is shame when my anxiety/depression is so bad that my intellectual side says, don't say that or do that, yet it feels out of my control.  I also know guilt and shame are pointless and normal symptoms of anxiety/depression, but it still adds to the problem.  Due to a legal issue that occured when I was 17 years old, not being exsponged like most juveniles records are, I did not begin an internship right away because I had to save $3000 for a lawyer. 
While saving for a lawyer, my only brother died unexpectedly and traumatically. I know it's not in chronological order, but I should now add that I had already struggled with anxiety/depression on and off since puberty.  I have therefore been to therapy and on antidepressants on and off for 14 years.  At the time of his death, I was already on 300mg of Welbutrin XL and 300mg of Effexor XR, JUST TO "MAINTAIN".  A few months after his death I ran out of antidepressants (since I wasn't in school anymore to get them from a cheap doctor at a reduced rate).
So I know it is still normal for me to be grieving and I will have ups and downs for a while.
I realize I am rambling, so let me sum it up and say, not having the correct dosages of meds. (I have gotten back on Effexor XR, but only 150mg, Buproprion SR 100mg for almost 3 months), not being able to afford counseling, being disconnected from my colleagues, having nothing in common with my high school friends (they are all married and most have kids), feeling like a failure by not entering my profession while still being $54,000 in debt because of it, feeling so anti-social that I only hang out with my 66 year old mother, etc., etc.,
I have never felt so alone in my whole life and I AM NOT FUNCTIONING.  I could stay in bed 20 hours a day.  When I go out, I have anxiety and come close to panic attacks at times.  I cry and am tearful alot (but I know this is just grief).  Nothing interests me or makes me happy, I find it very hard to laugh (something very important to me).  I am BABYSITTING 10 HRS a week so I have a place to live, but other than that, I am not wanting to die, but I am sick of this constant sadness, racing thoughts, and anxiety.
That is me....
P.S. I am posting this in the depression section as well so I can "cover all of my bases", since there is so much overlap...

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 933
   Posted 3/22/2010 7:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello, and let me start by giving you a big *HUG*

My Lexapro pooped out on my recently so I know what you're going through. The panic attacks returned and I was so depressed I'd sleep all day and all night and drink at night when I wasn't sleeping. Yet I have a 20 month old too, so this couldn't work.

Forget telling yourself what you should or shouldn't feel. Realize that these are legitmate feelings and you're feeling them FOR A REASON! Society says, BE NORMAL! What is normal? Mental illness is prevalent in many forms so I say forget normalcy and lets find our own peace! Anyway, I run a business as well and am trying to plan my wedding and manage 40 employees of mine. All troublemakers.

I have not gone into my office for 3 weeks. I have not had a desire to go more than once a week in a while, the depression in regards to dealing with my frustrating panic attacks has become too overwhelming.

Solution: Better meds! It sounds like the Wellbutrin and Effexor were working. When I needed to continue meds and had no health insurance I contacted a crisis center for mental health and they actually paid for my psychiatry visit for different meds. They also gave me vouchers to pay for my meds and plenty of samples.

Perhaps you could contact surrounding clinics and see if there is a program that will cover your doctor visits; even to a regular family doctor. We have Allina Partners care for a large group of clinics in Minnesota, and many people pay little if nothing for their doctor visits.

Have you tried state assistance or medical assistance? You obviously don't have a large income right now and HUGE debt so you will most likely be immediately covered; even for mental health.

Also, I do not hang out with anyone either lately except my fiance and daughter. I have become a recluse with no interest in going anywhere other than to target or the grocery store if need be. I have no clue how this wedding is going to be done in 2 months.

Again, I will give you another huge *HUG*. Welcome to healing well, we are always here for you.

I hope some of this helps.


Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/23/2010 10:29 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Thishastostop,

It is sad to realize we are our own worse enemies as your started out with " most shame-producing issue ". As you are trained and know in your heart you have nothing to be ashamed of so please be kind to yourself as I am sure you are to others.

The trouble with knowing the medical field is we beat ourselves up for not being able to take care of our own issues. We know how but we keep trying to figure out why we cannot just cure our own issues.

I have read through your post several times and in trying to give you the best advice I will have to say "get out of the dang bed". You can do this and remember to do it one tiny babystep at a time. I know it's a colossal effort to drag yourself out of bed but remember today is the first day of the rest of your life and I think you want to get better so let us help you !

CBT therapy works for so many.

I am sure you have training in CBT but throw out your status as a counselor and be the person in need right now. Take care of you.


Elite Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/23/2010 3:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome to the forum n family
yes get out of bed i have been in it for so long in past while i swear i hv bed sores
this is a great community to come to whether you hv health care experience or not
imho...everyone falters at one point or another but
get up n get working on you
we will be here to help you
cbt is a great step n input from kitt spot on
keep posting
let us know how you are doing
i too hv been/was in hc field for too many yrs to count
Long Time Member of da Family

Crohns..Fibromyalgia,,Neuropathy...Deaf...Seizures Pyoderma gangrenosum

Co mod for Crohns...Anxiety/Panic and Alzheimers


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