I'm 45 and know what you're saying about not having lived yet. However, we just have to take life one day at a time and try to find the joys that each day can bring. It may not be the "joys" that we'd dreamed of as younger folks, but what's the use in crying over yesterday, today?
I'm not just saying this to you...I'm saying it just as much to myself.
Today was sort of an average day and I felt pretty tired, but when I take time to really reflect back on it, I recall some good things, such as:
Watching the bay under a cloudy sky and it was very beautiful in a dramatic sort of way.
I loved the feel of the wind which was blowing fairly fast and had a cool mist to it.
I remember seeing a cute little boy walking down the sidewalk with a vanilla ice cream cone in his hand and he was so happy with his treat! He was grinning ear-to-ear!
A friend was telling me and mom about how her daughter's cockatoo, "Lucy", bit her uncle's big toe and it left three marks on it...she wasn't saying it to be funny, Sooo I had to apologize for laughing (although secretly I was still laughing inside!)
Yes, today wasn't a day where anything tremendous happened, but if you look for them, you can often find good things in life, even in the bad times!
Back when I was first going for treatment of my anxiety (and it was BAAAAAAAD!!), I was sitting in the waiting room between my parents. I was so anxious that I felt like screaming and crying. BUT...there was this man in the lobby, also waiting to be seen by the psychiatrist, that was telling this other guy this tale about how he used to work as a photographer for Playboy and had made BIG money! They'd hire him back immediately if he wanted to go back... Now this poor fellow was obviously either lying through his teeth to impress the other guy or he was delusional (I believe it was the latter). Whatever the case, the guy that was listening seemed to be accepting the tall tale this dude was spinning! And the icing on the cake was that the storyteller had a bit of a speech impediment as well. Now I knew that my parents were listening (you couldn't help but hear!). My dad had this bit of a "blank" expression on his face (ahhh, must not appear to be the least bit aware of what's being said!) and my mom was fighting back an impulse to laugh, as was I and it was a very difficult situation to be in! My dad looks at me and mom innocently, as if to be too nice to find it amusing and mom and I are fighting to stay in control of our composure. The fellow was totally oblivious to us as he was just as enthralled with his story as everyone else was. I was glad because if not, he'd seen my mom get up and run to the bathroom in tears (of laughter). I was laughing quietly although I was shaking all over from anxiety and laughter!! That's one time when I was crying from fear and hilarity! What a tug-of-war! That man never knew the effect he had on me that day. The humor helped to diffuse some of the misery I felt! So you see, there was something even about that day to smile about! :)
And if I may add: I am NOT a cruel person who sits around ridiculing anyone, escpecially the disabled, but at that point in time, I was just as "out of it" in my own way as he was! And just the whole absurdity of it all was overwhelmingly funny to me! Just wanted to clarify!
So Hip, you keep on coming here and know that most everyone here knows to some extent, in one way or the other, what you go through. I know in my case that I've had some truly hard times and I'm afraid of a relapse, but I try not to think negatively.
No matter what, know that we really do care! I'm glad you finally got a pc! :)