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Das Sein
New Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/19/2010 10:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey everyone,

I have to put this out there, cause it's tormenting me and I can't seem to get any relief whatsoever from talking to people and the least of all from myself.

I am currently spending a brief study programme abroad, short - just for some days. I've met a girl who I'm touched by affectively - she's cute. The thing is that I have a girlfriend at home whom I very much love and don't want to hurt. I haven't done anything with this girl who touched me, she's also a student... I just, for example, like talking to her more than with others. Also if I need to call someone where they are, I call her. It's like a game that I'm playing with myself in terms of like "I know I can't/won't do anything, because I have a girlfriend who I love and don't want to lose, but I like to get pleasant feelings by talking to this student girl that I've met".

It got a lot worse when we drank a bit on Friday and my guard went down a notch. The first thing that bothered me is that I said to this girl "let's meet for drinks". And then there was an exchange of mobile messages, mostly me saying "come on, let's meet please please".

Anyway, we met later and she said she was really uncomfortable because I was pushy and that it was obvious what my point of view was. I said to her "look, I do like you (in terms of liking someone affectively, when you first meet then and so on), but I have a girlfriend back home whom I don't want to cheat... and so I just like talking and hanging out near you." After that, we started kind of ignoring each other... which is not really the problem.

My problem is that now I'm completely mood swinging and feeling horrible for what I've done in terms of "subtle flirting". I feel that now I can't say "oh it's just an obsession, you're ok, you're an OK person". Now I feel that people objectively thing I've cbeated on my gf in a way AND most importantly (!) that I should make the sacrifice of doing the necessary thing and tell my girlfriend, confess (even If i think i don't want to, because it would make things worse than they can actually play out) and perhaps lose my beautiful relationships. And my obsessions are now revolving around this, I'm having heavy heavy anxiety attacks and mood swings between "it's ok" moments and complete nightmares.

Please, help me with your advices and experiences... where should I go from here?

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 7/19/2010 1:59 PM (GMT -7)   
To me, cheating is in the heart and in the mind. I can't really tell you what to do, but obviously this girl you've met on your study abroad is interested in being more than just aquaintences--that's not your fault. I honestly don't feel like what you described in terms of your actions is cheating. In my honest opinion, you have nothing to confess about since you handled the situation properly by stopping things before they got too far out of control. I would advise you to tell your girlfriend if you ended up doing soemthing with this other girl, but why bring something like that up when you didn't do anything terrible. In my experience, I've had those "yup, I have to tell him before he finds out from someone else" moments where you should bring it up, but then again there are those "This isn't a serious issue, no harm done" moments where it's better off just being left alone. I wouldn't want you to start something between you and your girlfriend that she could potentially blow out of proportion and cause a conflict between you.
I will say again, it is completely up to you and how you feel if you think you've cheated or not. You ultimately decide if it's important or not to tell your girlfriend at home about this other person. This is not something you should be obsessing over, it's just making you feel worse I bet. I do that too--I obsess about something and then that ends up making the situation worse and I end up doing something that changes the course of action, etc etc.
If you think confessing about meeting a new aquaintence will ease your anxiety, do it. But right now I would focus on what your there for--the program you signed up to experience. Try not to think about your girlfriend at home too too much, you'll see her when you get back and chances are that will help calm you down. But for now, focus on breathing and controlling your obsessive thoughts when you feel an anxiety attack coming on.

Hope that helped a little!

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there”

Das Sein
New Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/19/2010 2:15 PM (GMT -7)   

thanks, your response was really analytical and profound. I agree, it is up to me. I don't want to tell my girlfriend because I feel that's what I want to do in terms of making autonomous decision that work. It is the fear of doing something I don't really want to do that is scary. I've never before been in this situation and that's also why I'm afraid of it, because I'm scared it will get out of control because I can't handle it or something.

I've noticed being here that I emphasize a lot the 'strokes' I get especially from girls that are not bad looking in my opinion. That's all good, it's just that I feel this longing to be 'stroked' (like, for example, this girl told me you look like my ex-boyfriend) and then I talk to these girls and hang out with them or talk with them because they give me these pleasant feelings. Out of this also arises the very feeling that I'm unfaithful to my girlfriend, because I know the motivation behind my actions (in terms of the strokes, the recognition, the pleasure and warmth I get from girls who say things I like).

again, thanks. cheers.

Elite Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 7/22/2010 9:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Just a question n by no means do you hv to answer but do you and g/f not give one another enough keep the romance n love alive so that you need not get them from others
not being rude
trying to really understand..
                 Co Mod for... CROHNS..ANXIETY/ PANIC.....ALZHEIMERS
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                        WE CAN N WILL GET THRU THIS TOGETHER

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