You sound like a brave woman Brittany for moving to FL, for seeking out help, for all that you shared here and elsewhere, etc. Kitt's right about there being payment plans and options such as social security disability. In some instances even Medicare or Medicaid (I always confuse the two) will cover mental health conditions when they interfere enough with your life. Hiding in the closet and being unable to pump gas are examples of how your situation is interfering with your life.
I tried running from my life once too. I used to live in MA as well and moved to the Seattle area after graduating from college. I quickly realized that you can run from a place or a person, but not from yourself and what's in your mind. And you're right it will take time and effort on your part. It's great though to hear that you're so willing to put in that effort.
I'm sorry that you feel fearful of the entire male population. It's amazing the impact that one person can have on a person's life. I know this is an anxiety forum, but I'd like to share something else if I can. I'm a man and have had several women (almost a dozen) in my life affected by sexual abuse (family and friends alike). In one instance when I found out a really close friend had been raped, I threw myself on the floor and started hating myself. I've never hurt a woman, never pressured anyone for sex, etc. I couldn't imagine doing anything like that. But in that moment I hated myself simply for being a man. I didn't want to be in ANY way associated with the guy that hurt my friend. I was ashamed to be a man and later I'd met other men that felt the same way. I started attending rallies, volunteering at a women's shelter and a crisis hotline. It took me about 15 years to realize that I had been emotionally damaged myself because of what these loved ones had gone through. I became overly protective of my female friends, not wanting them to date ANYBODY, EVER for instance and not trusting any man I didn't know personally. Now I'm working on my own issues and starting to relax somewhat (this issue is one of the bigger things causing my anxiety).
There are good men out there as hard as they may be to find, but only you will know when you're comfortable around them. Take your time and don't let anyone rush you before you're ready. You also mentioned your faith. There's a really popular fictional book called The Shack about a father who is really upset after his daughter dies. He then goes on to meet God. I don't want to ruin it if you're interested in reading it, but in this book God ends up being a woman and explains that He presents himself to us a male figure "The Father" because in our society there is such a strong need for positive male role models and that when we can't trust the men or fathers on Earth, we can always trust Him.
I wish you strength, courage, and determination. In time you will be stronger. Another friend believe it or not, once told me that if she could go back in time and change things so that she had not been raped, she wouldn't. She felt that as horrible as the experience was it shaped her into the strong, confident, and powerful woman that she is today. Obviously that didn't happen overnight, but it can be done.
You reply means a lot to me just based on the fact that you are a male. When I read the sentence that revealed your gender, I started to shake, but as I read on I gained a lot of respect for you. You sound like a wonderful man and I am glad so many people were able to confide in you with their abuse stories. It really means a lot to know that you were emotionally distraught just for being a man and you took it upon yourself to do everything possible to not be associated with the “bad guys” by volunteering at women’s shelters and a crisis hotline. It definitely gives girls like me a different perspective of the male population, so please know that you are indeed making a huge difference!
I wish I didn’t have to judge so many people based on their gender, I’ve probably let many nice guys pass me by. It is something I wish to get over very soon so that I can continue on with my life. I will take everyone’s advice on here and seek payment plans and other ways to get help. It is funny how life-changing an online forum has been for me in just the past 2 days of joining. My anxiety level has decreased and I have been overall more optimistic in my recovery thanks to everyone in this community.
Thank you so very much for your kind words and best wishes for me, I truly appreciate it. I have gained so much hope from everyone on here and I can’t even explain how much it really helps my recovery. Thank you again. xo