Thank you so very, very much everyone.
I made many mistakes and the snowball just kept getting bigger.
1. I am a great navigator and love to travel with my hubby and my children and grandchildren but I tense up in traffic when I have to drive and then I feel anxious and scared. I know this, so what made me think I would do well going by myself that far with no one to visit ?
2. I left at 8:15 AM our time on Monday and my daughter was frantic trying to reach me as a friend of ours was in a 7 car accident and was at the trauma center up town. It was over 2 hours before I called her - and she was upset and scolded me for not having my phone on. I don't keep it on when driving but turn it on when stopped. So I bought into "guilt" and felt I should have stayed home if I was needed here. In fact my heart told me I was not needed here but I let what others said send me into "stinkin thinkin"
3. I usually stay in nice motels with lobbies and people around to interact with. I chose a Mom and Pop motel cuz I was saving money. The room was tiny and smelled musty. No shampoo - What was that all about ? I did bring my own. No lobby.
4. It was raining and gloomy all the way so 5 hours driving in the rain and a bit of fog............more tension.
5. And - today was our son Todd's Birthday anniversary - he would have been 42 this year. What made me think I could spend this day alone without my family ? I have missed 20 birthdays he should have celebrated.
The good part - I did spend the night in the motel alone even thow I was crying and wanted to be back home I stuck it out over night. I saw some fall leaves and I also saw five deer but did not hit any. I made myself stop on the way home at a Casino and took a one hour break as I knew I was over tense by this time. I won $200.00 on a penny machine. I took the money and ran.
I got to have a reunion with my wonderful dog when I got home.
I will be making an appointment with my therapist to work through this.
I will keep making progress and go back to taking some babysteps. I am always a work in progress.