Life choices and overcoming fear

I' m bored right now. An old psych teacher once said boredom is a feeling disguising something else
- such as fear. I know this can be true. Im in such a mood that I need to vent but at the same time

I want to condense my written thoughts: cause I just want to get to the point and I type slow!

What it comes down to is that my general mistrust of myself and others has always cast a shadow

on my life where I'm not focused in a career, have only one real friend (who has her own issues) and

am basically going nowhere. I also have become lazy. I have gad and social anxiety at times. Since

money has become tight I have an urgency to get things going - get a job that can co-exist with the

spirit of who I want to be and pays decent. At my middle age and being a parent I know that living

life scared ,second guessing and what if's is not the way to go. That being said I still drift back to old

ways. I would like to make new friends - I easily talk to people and start friendships but they inevitably

never grow cause of mistrust. Mistrust of others is a reflection of how one feels about themself. As I

have said before I am mostly just afraid of being afraid. Not a new thing always been that way. Can

suck the energy from me and slow down to a stop. Want to get up and get involved/lost in something

and be productive and go for it - yes maybe still some fear but lifes choices not based on fear!

And yes have tried therapy - as said before rehashed the same stuff - and meds - felt disconnected

and sexually vacant so they are not for me ( except xanax .25 - 1mg from time to time but mostly at bedtime)

I feel the answers lie within me and trusting myelf and trying to enjoy my life not live in fear. I also

know that some who sense this vulnerability will take advantage of it or be judgemental but that cant

be important cause its really how I feel about myself.

Thank you Kitt - just knowing someone can relate is comforting. Your right finding answers is not easy: ways seem
ingrained but I have to forge ahead. Another observation ,since taking the xanax to sleep I feel generally more rested
(obviously from more sleep) but I feel mentally better as well. I here meds can help counteract the debilitating effects
of stress and heal the brain - and actual physiological thing. Meditation can do this as well I here. I can relate to this
with overdoing exercise cause the cumalative effect can leave one drained. Anyone have any thoughts regarding this
regeneration?