Well when I was in the mental hospital I had a bit of counseling. For the first week I listened to my what my ex told me to say to them. Told them he found me and was the hero. I was too scared not to listen to him so I spent a week talking about
my childhood for the first time. The second week I talked about
my ex, what he'd done to me. I
opened up because I didn't want to be held prisoner anymore. I spent Christmas with the (don't get me wrong, I met amazing people in there and gained life stories).
After I got out I spent a month at Athena's - a women abuse counseling thing. She really just told me to read crappily scanned books. It wasn't personal. It wasn't motivating. It felt like a waste of time, space and money. As soon as I got out of the hospital I stopped taking my depression medication. As soon as I went on it the bad thoughts started to happen. I felt myself become... attached to them and I didn't like it. Been clean all year. Now that it's winter and there is these stresses, everything is dead, cold and sad. I don't like waking up, never want to slip away from my dreams.
In a week I have to go to court cuz I was caught shop lifting at walmart (how embarrassing...) and then for 3 whole days in the start of the new year I get to go to court with my ex. I have a restraining order but for court I have to go. I'm scared crapless for both. If I get charged, my current boyfriend moves out and I'm alone in the middle of this. If I don't get charged he stays and I'll continue to be in the same spot I am now. If chris get's put away, I'll be able to sleep again. But when he gets out.... Breached peace bonds 3 times already. What is going to stop him after his rage has been fueled in jail, or ANOTHER mental hospital for him..
My parents said they are behind me for whatever I do. I just... I'm embarrassed to be a drop out like my ex. I already feel like a failure I don't want it stamped on my forehead and all over my existing paper trail too.
I've been hiding from school. I do the work at home (or most of it) and then miss the deadline handing it in. Too afraid to ask the snotty teachers if I can still hand it in. I've been talking to Sam, the disabilities counsellor at my school as of lately. She referred me to art therapy which I'm looking into currently. I missed an exam on Wednesday and didn't even know because I haven't been to class. I am forgetful and an idiot. I wasted 10, 000 this year alone. And I have NOTHING to show for it.
I'm afraid of the world around me and myself. worthless.
Edit: I am sorry that I had to edit your original post as it is already posted in the Depression Forum - Also please take the time to review the rules of HealingWell:
1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use or exchange, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm). Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 12/4/2010 8:22:10 AM (GMT-7)
Posted 12/4/2010 2:00 PM (GMT -7)
So very sorry to hear what you're going through right now. I hope you can make it through those court appearances without anxiety getting the upper hand.
You said your parents are supportive. Is it possible that they could attend with you, for moral support?
Also glad you're letting the school counselor know what's going on. Other than the art therapy, did she have any suggestions for how to address your missed work? Are there any accommodations that can be made to help you at least complete one class, so that you can feel you have a little success in the face of what's so overwhelming?
Hang in there, and take it one thing at a time,