Thanks to all of you for the support. Although I don't wish this stuff on anyone, it does help to know I'm not alone in this.
I went to my family Christmas the other night, and you know what...I had a great time...I always do. But that's just it. Why do I get so worried and anxious about
things that I know will PROBABLY go just fine? This is how I've been since a very young age. Pessimistic, negative, embarrassed, reserved, etc. I guess I feel like it's too late for me. Consistency is my biggest problem. There HAVE been times when I felt on top of the world. There has always been a lot of love in my family. I have achieved some pretty great things in my life. But I always end up right back here...feeling bad about
myself and AFRAID OF THE WORLD. And I feel so ashamed that I am too weak to overcome my emotional issues.
I do carry around a lot of guilt/regret. Feel so guilty for not being able to capitalize on the positives in my life. And now the positives are becoming less and less. I feel like I've been given so many opportunities to achieve success, but I just can't do it. I know the person I WANT to be, but I just can't put it together. All I want is to be at peace with MYSELF. At least then I could feel content. But severe DISCONTENT is the dominant emotion I live with. I had such high hopes and dreams when I was a kid. This isn't who I was supposed to become. Although I know I'm very intelligent in certain ways, I feel so STUPID.
Kitt, yes to all of those! I feel like a prisoner in my own house. I'm handling stress worse and worse the older I get. I constantly make the same mistakes over and over again. I live in constant fear. "Normal" people are supposed to learn and grow with age and life experiences. I feel like I'm going backwards. Break-ups with women have gotten more traumatic. I want to be in a relationship more than anything...it's one thing that makes me feel happy..like I have worth. But at this point, I have no right to engage in a relationship...given my mental state. I have nothing good to offer. Not that I have the means to find a girl anyway. I don't go anywhere anymore, no more band, very few friends, no social life at all. Who the hell would want to be with someone like me? But at the same time, I don't want to be with someone who has to be around tons of people, go out to the bars all the time, etc. I've always been a much more one-on-one kind of person. I'm realizing now that I've had extreme social anxiety for a LONG time. I've put a lot into relationships in my past. I was always extremely passionate and always jumped in the deep end right away. I used to believe that the more you put in, the more you will receive. Well, now I believe the more you put in, the more devastating it will be when it INEVITABLY falls apart. Ya know, everyone's been hurt. There are people that live in conditions much worse than myself. Once again, I'm so embarrassed and ashamed that I'm not strong enough to gain control. You only live once, and I feel I've been wasting my life for a long time now.
TG, I hope you're doing ok through this holiday weekend. I guess I do have a support system in my family. My parents and sister have always been there for me throughout my life. They know I have issues with depression. But I don't want to talk about
it anymore with them because I feel like a huge disappointment to them, drama king, can't get it together..."RERUN". My sister, stepsisters, and stepbrother are all married and having kids, I'm still single and struggling. I really do feel trapped in this life. Feel like if I take steps to get control over this, it will just be a matter of time till I'm right back here. I don't believe in myself anymore. I'm hanging on to the smallest thread of hope, but I honestly don't think I'm going to make it. Sounds stupid, but I think there's a good chance I'll end up having a heart attack at an early age...due to stress and anxiety. My heart is so heavy these days. Smoking like a chimney too, drinking a lot. And no I don't get wasted every night. But I at least need a few beers to calm my nerves. Even if it's unhealthy, it's at least some temporary relief. But then that makes my depression worse. LOL, what a mess huh!? Don't they just make a happy pill???
I realize I'm kind of sporadic in my writing here...jumping around a lot. I just have so many feelings and issues...it's really hard to organize it. I'm due at my dad's house soon for the x-mas festivities on that side of my family...here we go again. Thank you so much for listening and for the support. I haven't thrown in the towel...YET.
and... GO GREEN BAY! ;)
Post Edited By Moderator (Scaredy Cat) : 12/26/2010 10:27:26 AM (GMT-7)