Well I'm still struggling everyday it seems. I was thinking for the longest time that I just need full time work or some kind of good job or something that can help pull me out of this anxiety/depression. It's starting to click in that that's probably not the case. I went out yesterday for the football games with some friends and had a pretty good time when I was out, but I had a panic attack bad for about
an hour before I went out to see them. I felt like I couldn't breathe and my heart was pounding out of my chest about
just the thought of spending a few hours out. It's ridiculous how I let myself get like that.
As far as the title of this post, the weird thoughts are getting to me. I keep thinking about how weird I used to be, about how I used to always be so insecure about the way I looked/talked that I wouldn't let myself get involved with anybody. And now it's like I feel as if I don't have the skills or ability to ever wind up doing so. Especially now that I'm just so ridiculously nervous doing the most routine things.
One weird pattern that I keep noticing that I always wind up catching myself doing is....I project my feelings onto other people. For example, if I see someone who is noticeably bothered or nervous, I get this overwhelming feeling of compassion. I definetly magnify the amount of nervousness/sorrow that they're feeling and I start thinking that wow is this all life is is just a test of how much pain we can take? I start thinking why did god, if there is one, make us this way that we are unable to deal with change and so insecure about everything that we do. I start thinking thoughts about how our competitive work environment and society is the source of such unnecessary stress/anxiety.
I start thinking to myself that to be successful in this society and in our economy now you need to be a relaxed and strong person. That is not who I am anymore. I used to be that person, I used to be that relaxed, calm, cool-headed guy that was able to rationalize and keep my head clear and focus on whatever task I was doing at the time. I am no longer that person.....my anxiety is so bad that I feel like I'm not even the one talkingw hen I talk. I feel like I'm not even the one moving my body, when Im sending txt msgs I often wonder how I am doing because I am paying no attention to what I'm doing, I'm constantly focused on how I feel and how I'm dealing with my anxiety.
Are these normal anxiety thoughts? Especially the part where I think that everyone is lost/depressed/anxious? Are these normal symptoms that I shouldn't be too worried about? Because when I start thinking that everyone is so nervous/depressed it just brings me down more and makes me feel like what I'm trying to accomplish is hopeless