I don't know where else to post this thread, because anywhere I share this, it probably won't be understand. And I would like to add that I'm not complaining or trying to wallow in self pity, but what I am feeling is so panful that it's frustrating to me because it's impossible to express completely.
You should probably first know that I am homosexual--not that I ascribe to the "gay" labels and lifestyle. But not only am I having a problem with coming to terms with what I really want and who I really am, but my past also haunts me relentlessly--from the distant past to the most recent. That past is filled with sexual experimentation/promiscuity. It's a long story, so, I won't go deeply into why I acted out, etc... but to out it simply; I REGRET it! I hate so much that I didn't save myself for that special person. I know that some people don't see this as a big deal (I've read other blogs on the topic). And I know that it's especially unusual for a man (gay or straight) to admit to such a thing (99% of the time, it's teenage girls). But to me, it is a big deal. Maybe it's one of the many reasos I started experimenting in the first place. I was listening to other people's philosophy on the matter and not following my on heart. Now, I feel that I lost so much of myself in the process.
Even as I sit here now, I feel so full of anxiety over what I have done. I feel dirty, cheap, used, and thrown away. I'm trying everything that I know how to get my self esteem back, but it seems like a futile, hopeless attempt. I want to feel the sense of personal value that I have felt at fleeting moments in the past. But it feels like a dark cloud hanging over my head that follows me EVERYWHERE I go. I never get a break frm it. I sleep with it and wake up with it. I go to school and work with it. Excuse my frankness here, bnut sometimes (a lo of times actually) I hate to take a bath, because I feel like it's a futile attempt at trying to wash off something that can't be washed off. It's like I can't take enough baths to clean those people off of me! And the thing is, most of them, I wasn't even attracted to. It was done out of rebellion and impulsiveness...not to mention selfishness--because it was all about me getting a release--I couldn't have cared less about my partners. I guess I used them like they used me... But it's like I can still smell some of them on me and it's repulsive, to say the least. I feel them on me...it's like my body is not my own anymore--it belongs to those individuals..and I hate even the feeling of my body. I just feel so gross!
I have heard of "born again virgins". But that seems so cliche'. Can a person who's been as promiscuous as I am really ever feel pure again? I know that you're supposed to forgive and forget things. But this really and honestly feels like somethng that's always going to be with me. I mean I would hope not, but I feel hopeless. I just want so bad to be pure. I'm not after the placebo effect. I can tell the difference. I so want to feel real purity again. I think if I was to ever get to that point agian, I would hold on to it for the rest of my life, because what I feel now is so painful, that I never want to go experience again.
I'm sorry for the weirdness. But I don't know who else to talk to about this. If I was to post this on the Christian boards, I know I would get scriptures quoted at me and be threatened with hellfire and brimstone. And forget talking to people on the outside. I've heard one too many horror stories about therapists and close friend betrayals. I'm sorry but I just don't trust anyone. Everyone operates in self preservation. So I understand if no one understands me. I'm just venting.