Hey guys, been lurking the forum for a few days, finally got the nerve up to post.
A bit of background for me: I'm 20 years old, enrolled in college, male, and I've never been diagnosed with any mental issues.
I've always been an anxious person, but recently things have changed. about
a month ago I had a panic attack out of the blue, during which I texted my mother in my despondence begging to get some help. I had begun noticing my anxiety gradually worsening (but still nowhere near unbearable) since around when I moved into my apartment in august, although since my 20th birthday the most significant changes had begun. When I texted my mother I was in the depths of a full-on panic attack, having had only one before that (a year ago). Around this time I was convinced I was "going crazy" and that seemed to be the focus of the attack, despite that it was unprompted.
The next day I felt slightly embarrassed about
my moment the night before, but I still knew it was serious enough to get help. Unfortunately I was terrified that "help" would involve doping me up to a point where I was unrecognizable with meds. Because of this fear I waited to call somebody, as I felt (relatively) stable for about
a week. But when I returned home for Thanksgiving, I was sleeping in my childhood bed and something about
that inspired intense thought, ultimately leading to an all out anxiety-ridden two days towards the end of break, culminating in an entirely sleepless night that ended in me bawling in my parent's arms the next morning.
I left for school after that, and I felt slightly better (a bit detached, but definitely better). However about
three days ago things took a nasty turn for the worse. My heart started constantly beating rapidly, and anxiety pervaded my life altogether. I'm unsure whether to call the worst points of these few days "panic attacks" because the physiological effects during these times are not dissimilar to how I feel all of the time now. The only difference is in my thought pattern.
I began googling obsessively about
panic disorder, GAD, anything. Some of these things made me feel better to know that I wasn't the only one going through this. It helped me drop the thought that I might be crazy, since I know crazy people don't think about
such matters. Unfortunately it inspired a new type of fear in me, that I may be burdened with this for life. I scheduled an appointment with a psychologist, and am going on Monday, but the days have been incredibly difficult to a point I never even thought was possible. These feelings are so overwhelming and the belief that I may never recover has led to a terrible cycle that is unbearably distressing.
My fear of medication is gone, I will take anything that can limit the severity of my thoughts, and like I said I plan to go to a psych on Monday.
I just, as the title suggests, feel completely helpless. I am so at the mercy of my thought process . Has anyone else experienced something like this? I don't even want to feel "normal" again If any of you have experience overcoming such intense fears, words of encouragement are exactly what I need. Monday seems so far away from now and the pain seems infinite.
Thanks for listening guys, I hope that soon enough I will be able to return to this site with a story of my success in overcoming this terrible state of being.
Edit: I am sorry I had to edit your post as we are not allowed to discuss suicide ideation in the forums.
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 12/5/2011 2:26:07 PM (GMT-7)