I am new to this community. I am a funeral director ie: mortician.
Last year, I had a complete melt down, and I am still working through it. I did a lot of work for the medical examiners office. I was on the scene of many suicides, accidents, murders, etc. I took all those moments and put them in the back of my mind not really thinking or talking about them very much. But, in Nov. of 2010, my husbands very close cousin shot himself. His suicide, sent me into a whirlwind. I had a major anxiety attack at work, which led my co-workers to believe I had a heart attack. I went to the ER and was monitored over night which happened to be Christmas eve and Christmas day. I went months last year having anxiety, stomach issues, and severe crying episodes. In October of 2011 I was diagnosed with PTSD. My PSTD didn't come per se from actual funeral home work,but from all the trauma I saw and hid for so many years. The family members suicide is what pushed me over the edge. I was haunted by what I knew he looked like. I went through a period where ambulances, cop cars, any type of first responders put me into a full blown anxiety attack. Now death creeps me out. If I hear certain stories, or see the news, I go into overload. My stomach gets so upset, and I cry and my head spins, and I feel like I have to run. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere. I have been having dreams, but I don't remember them. I just wake up in a panic. Sometimes I just shoot right up out of bed from a dream. It is all so weird. To even think about walking into a Funeral home at this point makes me crazy.
My biggest problem is all the stomach issues. When my stomach is going haywire, my brain is following close behind. I find comfort in God. I read my Bible and pray, and my symptoms subside for that moment, but then night comes, which I fear. I fear it because I have been woken up so many times in the middle of the night, that I go to bed very late every night, in hopes of sleeping through the night. I don't really know what I am looking for here, may be just the feeling of some common ground with others who know what anxiety does to a person. How it rules ones life. People in my life don't understand, and many tell me to get back up on the horse, which I try to do on a daily basis. Therapy is helping me, but I have a long way to go. Thanks for reading.