Posted 8/5/2012 12:23 AM (GMT -6)
Hello HealingWell family!
I thought I would vent, or comment a bit on how I have felt today/yesterday. Yesterday (Aug 4) was my birthday and everything was pretty calm, laid back and boring. Which is fine with me because I am not big on having huge parties or going out to town to celebrate. Anyway, I woke up a bit anxious, but nothing that I couldn't handle, I keep my worrisome thoughts at ease for the most part. When I went to my mom's and ate cake and ice cream all seemed to go fine, I stopped feeling nervous. Again, I have no idea why my nerves were acting up, I have tried hard to figure out what triggered it. So after and hour of hanging out with my family I went back home, then a few minutes later the nerves started acting up again, this is where it went a bit haywire. I started thinking about my weight, the whole reason I am nervous over my weight is because every now and again my family makes comments that I am too skinny, but I eat everyday, I even take vitamins to keep the right amount of nutrients in my system if I don't eat enough healthy foods. Heck, when the whole day of my birthday I ate 4 triple stuffed oreo cookies, a bowl of grapes, two cupcakes covered in a thick layer of icing, a bowl of ice cream AND ate a double quarter pounder and a large fry from McDonalds. I tried writing some in my book but my mind kept getting distracted, so I browsed the net for inspirational quotes to help encourage me, still nothing has eased my nerves. I can't seem to relax :( I'm not anxious, that I can tell, and I haven't had a panic attack, which is awesome, but my nerves are just up, and every now and again I get the chills like I have an internal coldness. The last few days I have been focusing on eating more, in fear that I may be too thin (even though the BMI say's i am fine), or worse that I have some sickness that is causing me to be skinny (which I will not even google to find out, don't feel like stressing myself out even more if WebMD shows up and say's I have cancers or something horrible). I don't know, just getting tired of the feeling. I have been doing so well lately and to start feeling nervous again is a slap in the face.
Something else that has been bugging me is that even though I have been taught that positive self-talk helps anxiety, and how the mind can change a sick person in to a healthy person, I find my self not believing it. I think this thought is actually having an effect on my healing process. Honestly, I can't understand how thinking positive and changing my perception in life can impact my life in a good way, I don't see how it can change my anxiety. It really bugs me because I am in college for this sort of stuff (psychology) and I KNOW first hand how therapy works, yet I don't believe it works.
If anyone can comment, or encourage me please don't hesitate to do so. Thanks!