Posted 11/15/2012 10:59 PM (GMT -7)
I've been asking the whole week what to do because of my situation at work (to much stress), and he has been helping, so he realized how high my anxiety level is, how insecure I am, how frustrated I get so easily... He helped me, but today he said something that reminds me to what my mom used to do to make feel like I was not worthy or respect. Everytime I was happy, smiling, she used to say something agressive, rude to me, so my smile dissapeared in one second, then she ketp talking as if nothing happened. I got used to it, so the times my mom did that to me, I didn't get angry, I just closed my mouth and lowered my head, I stopped asking her why she did that and stopped getting angry because of that, I just got depressed when it happened, like 'oh no, not again, don't treat me like that again'.
So, I started to become very meek. I can be 'normal' but when someone is rude to me, makes fun of me, yells at me or talks to me in a non proper way, or, like in this case, treats me as if me/my feelings were not important or as if the only way to treat me had to be being violent, rude, or treating me as if I were a clown, as if I should be trated like this. Like when you say the way to treat a child is with love, the way to treat me is just not respecting me at all. When it happens this, I just accept everything and stay quiet. All what my roomate said today just made me thing that I was not worthy of respect. I never answer when someone says something rude to me. My boss (the nun in the private school), had been hinting that I was an irresponsible, and there was never an answer to tell her, nothing came to my mind, until today, I went to talk to her, I tried to be firm, trembling, but I think I made my point. It was after four months that I could say something. When someone thinks I'm wrong, I believe it, when someone hints I'm stupid, I believe it since always, when someone feel they can be rude to me, I just accept it.
Even with jokes I'm very sensitive, last week, somefriends were talking and one of them said: "wow, I can't believe how wrong your latin is, like really, shame on you guys, wow horrible, I thought there was a different formation around here", he was joking of course, but if he had said that to me, it would have affected me so much.
-one friend said: oh really? say something in latin, he said --- I don't rmember what, and another friend responed: you know what? I also know latin: "****us youkus" everybody started laughing. I can't do that, when someone says something like that I just close my mouth. I remember another time when one friend made a mistake talking about two singers, one of them told him 'you said it wrong, really, can't believe it, culture culture!', I would have died. My friend said: oh Lord, I'm going to stop talking about singers then, I'm so ignorant... for God's sake, none of them is Chopin, I really don't give a darn about it", everybody laughs. I'm not good at giving that kind of answers, I feel when someone says something to me it's because they are stronger, better than me and I just gor frozen.
I hadn't thoght about how meek I am, and I hate it. I am like this in every aspect of my life.