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Posted 3/5/2013 7:10 AM (GMT -8)
I'm new to this forum, so first off, I am so glad I found this group of kind people.

Second, I am really scared today. I never thought I would be like this, but my husband is flying to the other side of the country for a business trip today, and I am terrified. I am not going with him because I don't think I could handle getting on a plane right now.

I have always thought of myself as a tough cookie, as very independent. I've been through hell and back a few times in my life, gotten through life-threatening situations, lived alone (and liked it) a good deal of my adult life, was a single parent. Met and married my husband, and love our life together.

Then, two years ago I had my first "episode". Driving the hour drive down the highway to work, suddenly my heart starts thumping and racing, I can't quite breathe, legs and hands start to shake. Dizziness and vertigo, like I am on a tilt-a-whirl. I kept going but when I started to feel like I was about to pass out, I pulled over and called my husband. He said get out of the car - maybe it was a carbon dioxide problem. But fresh air didn't help. I was shaking, my heart pounding. I didn't want to die, I have a child to raise, and I didn't want to die on the side of the highway. I finally got back in the car and inched my way - 15 mph down the highway- to McDonalds. 

I tried drinking some orange juice. Maybe it was low blood sugar or too much caffeine. I was not a breakfast eater and considered my travel mug of coffee my "breakfast."  Finally, after sitting in McDonald's for two hours, gulping down orange juice, then ordering something to eat, my husband with me on the phone the whole time, it was over. I was exhausted, but no longer felt like I was about to pass out or die. I went to work. Whatever it was, it was over.

Except, it happened again. And again. On the way to work, in the grocery store after work, driving my daughter to the mall for jeans. A few doctor's appointments, nothing wrong with me can be found, so I force myself to keep going out there, keep living life. If it's "just" panic attacks, the worst thing to do is to "give in" to them.

Except, eventually I do. Eventually I can't take that kind of terror on a daily basis. I am able to begin working from home - a miracle - something I had wanted to do anyway so I could be home more with my daughter.

Many of you probably know how it goes... I'll go out sometimes and be fine, other times... I've had to leave my full shopping cart at the store and run, praying I make it home. I've had to sit on the blood-pressure-machine bench at Walmart until I have the strength to make my way out of the store. One of my lowest points was working up the nerve to drive to the deli just a mile away. Arriving in the parking lot, I made it! open my car door to get out and Boom! there goes my heart, the ground is spinning. I slam the door closed again and head home, shaking, then crying. What is wrong with me?! I can't do the simplest thing!

A lower point than that... having this happen while cleaning up the breakfast dishes one weekday morning. Just hanging out in my own kitchen! In my own home! I called my husband home from work, and we go to the ER. This has gone far enough and we need to know what's wrong with me.  You probably know how this goes too. I arrive home six hours later with a brochure about dizziness (When To Call 911!) and a prescription for xanax.

I've been to countless doctor appointments since, trying to rule out any "medical cause." I still have a few more appointments and tests to go, but so far, nothing except low vitamin D levels, which I am now taking vitamin D for.

Today all I can think about is what if something happens while my husband is away.What if I can't do this?

And what have I become that this is where I am at? A few years ago, I would have missed him - and then enjoyed my few days of quiet, extra time to read or watch Golden Girls reruns, let the dog in the bed, take my daughter out for some fun. 

Now all I can think is what if, what if, what if?

And most of all, what if I could be the capable, fun-loving, let's-just-go-do-it woman/wife/mother I used to be.

 

Posted 3/5/2013 8:11 AM (GMT -8)
I feel your pain. I'm in the same boat as you. What has helped me deep breathing techniques. Just stopping when I get that horrible feeling and pay attention toy breathing. I was trying to do this without meds but seems I have to give in. I'm also asking my dr to refer to a therapist that specializes in anxiety/panic.

I hope you find some relief, just know you are not alone. We can get back to being strong women I believe it!
Posted 3/5/2013 9:20 AM (GMT -8)
Hi SuperTrophyWife, thanks for your reply! I don't wish this on anyone, but it is nice to know I am not the only one!

I too have not tried medication yet, not because I think there is anything wrong w/it, but because people seem to struggle later or go through side effects and more anxiety when they try to get off of them. I do find xanax to be calming, I had it a few times a long time ago, at bed time and on a plane ride, but I can't imagine being able to take it and then go out shopping, or something.

Maybe its time for me to find a therapist too. Probaby sounds crazy that I haven't yet, its just that I keep thinking something is "medically" wrong with me.

Anyway, thank you for the encouragement. I don't know how yet, but I do feel we can become strong again.
Posted 3/5/2013 9:52 AM (GMT -8)
Hey LW,

My husband had to go on a business trip at the peak of my anxiety symptoms...at a time when I still really did not know what was going on, or how to deal with it, so I know how you are feeling right now.

You have us for support on-line, but do you have a person...family or friend that you can reach out to if need be while your husband is away?

Just knowing that you have a 'safe person' in close proximity could help you tremendously.

Also, using techniques such as breathing and relaxation like STW suggested is going to help you through this a lot. So many of the A/P symptoms are caused by improper breathing...and therefore breathing correctly can reverse the issue!

Remembering too that you have been through these episodes before...and gotten through them will make it easier to face if it happens again.

Not that you should anticipate an attack mind you...but knowing that you can get through it can give you strength in any event.

Keep repeating a positive mantra to yourself such as:

"I have been through tough times before, and I can handle anything that may come my way again."

...or something else that helps to relieve your fears.

Negative/scary thought processes start/increase anxiety...and conversely, postive ones fight it off!

Keep posting with us during this time. We will be here to listen and support you. You can do this!

S.C.
Posted 3/5/2013 12:24 PM (GMT -8)
Littlewing, I found your post.

I hope I can help you out here, I also had this same thing happen to me off and on, and just down to the T of what has happened to you while at the grocery store, ironically it happened at Walmart for me as well, anyway, I've had this same thing happen, driving down the road feeling okay, then heart pounding, racing, feeling dizzy and then as if I were going to pass out, I also thought it was something in the car, rolled down the windows, got fresh air, I finally made it back home slowly JUST like your situation, I later found out mine was due to MSG after countless hours at the hospital and with doctors, MSG was causing me to get this way and something to do with dehydration as well, I had to cut out alllllllll foods containing MSG and drink a bit more water, and MSG is in a ton of stuff, I have basically had to cook most of my own foods, eventually you will know what foods MSG is in and be able to avoid it.

I hope this helps you, it may take a good week to two weeks but the main part of the dizziness and heart pounding I hope will be gone for you if you remove MSG. Also, for me, palpitations and weird breathing patterns were caused by MSG as well, they didn't always happen at the same time. That stuff can cause countless oddities for people, I guess it all affects us differently.

-Jessica
Posted 3/5/2013 12:26 PM (GMT -8)
Thanks Scaredy Cat and overcomeit!

I do have one or two people around that I could call - I would be kind of embarassed if I had to - but I could, and knowing that helps. How did you do with your husband away, Scaredy Cat?

I know I have to work on my breathing, too. Seems like when I try to focus on my breathing, it somehow makes it worse? I must not be doing it right!

Thanks for the encouragement - I will keep posting!
Posted 3/5/2013 12:28 PM (GMT -8)
Reading over your post again I wonder if your heater was on, for me when it was hot out or I had the heater on in the car, it would really affect me hard, especially while in the car and driving down the highway when the heater would really be working well, this was before I knew to watch for MSG. Not sure what the temperature has to do with it but, it would really kick me in the butt.
Posted 3/5/2013 1:04 PM (GMT -8)
L.W.

The first time that I was dealing with the severe A/P and my husband left, it was hard. I kept worrying about what would happen if I had a health episode (I did not know what that would be...I just know that I feared something would happen!) or died...as those were my main fears at the time.

I too had kids at home, and the sense of responsibility while I was feeling so weak and vulnerable was pretty overwhelming. I knew that I had to do it however, so even though I was scared, I just pushed through and everything was fine.;)

Now after treatment (CBT) I am able to enjoy time with the girls when my husband has to travel....but I remember that first time well...so know that I understand, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers this week!

Oh and by the way...I used to have the same trouble with the breathing. The techniques I was trying were actually making things worse!

I recommend this one. It puts you in control of your breathing and gives you clear structure. You have to visualize and concentrate to do it, which worked for me...the others seemed to free-form and I would get distracted and lost.


The Divided Breath:

Think of your lungs as having 3 equal parts: the top third, middle third, and bottom third. In one continuous breath, but divided into 3 parts, fill first the bottom and pause, then fill the middle/pause, and finally the fill the top third and hold if possible for a second or two. Exhale in the same manner, but reverse. Let out the top, then the middle, then the bottom third of lungs-remember to pause slightly after each part-finally pushing all the air out of the bottom third of your lungs to complete the cycle. Don't worry if you can't manage the whole cycle at first, it will get easier. The pauses will get more controlled, and you may be able to hold the breath for 3-5 seconds before the exhale, eventually.

 

S.C.

 

 

 

Posted 3/5/2013 7:47 PM (GMT -8)
Just something positive for everyone, I suffered panic/anxity for years, went to ER many times, got sent home with the pat on head just anxity diagnoces, Many years later I really did have a heart attack, you will not beleive this but I had NO anxity, and none of the other symptoms, I was calm as a cumber, I drove home, went in the house told my wife I wanted her to drive me to ER, and so we went, I never got scared and no palps. I know many other people whose expierence with heart problems are much the same as mine, but they are not like a panic/anxity attack. The movies give us a false impression of what happens during an attack.
I just want all you to know because our feelings are not realistic compaired to the real thing, if I were going to give our problems a new name it would be "panic driven by addrenlin induced fears".
Always give yourself a pat on the back, its easier than kicking ourselfs in the but.
I Love everyone on this forum and your all in my Prayers!
Larry
Posted 3/6/2013 5:22 AM (GMT -8)
Thank you everyone for your messages, it helps to be able to talk about it.

Jessiepooh, thanks for the tip, I will try to cut out MSG. I also get migraines and I know MSG can trigger those too. I am excited to see if this helps. How did your doctors figure out it was the MSG? I wonder if it is in instant oatmeal? That is what I usually have for breakfast now. I've also wondered about aspartame. I chew a lot of Orbit gum, I find chewing gum sometimes helps or works off nervous energy,like if I've driving and start to get that feeling, chewing gum give me something to do. But I wonder if the sweeteners in gum have an effect. And what is it about Walmart!

And, now I always keep the heat down or off in my car, even today when it's freezing. I get the same feeling- it feels like the heat makes me sleepy, maybe getting warm lowers my blood pressure, which tends to run low, I don't know - I don't like being cold but heat makes it worse. If I feel too warm or sleepy, then it feels like my adrenaline will kick in all of a sudden.

I will give your breathing exercise a try Scaredy Cat, thank you! I am thinking maybe I should try to find a cognitive behavior therapist too.

I was a single mom for 6 years, no family around, I always did fine. Drove myself and my infant daughter 13 hours to visit family in another state, and never thought twice about it. But I didn't have these episodes then. This morning I drove my daughter to the bus stop (about three miles away) and back home (my husband usually does this) and it feels like a major accomplishment. about halfway there I started to feel trembly and wanted to turn around, but I didn't.

Larry, what you said about your heart attack helps too. It's so true about the adrenaline. The crazy thing is you can know in your head it's "just adrenaline", but it still feels like an emergency to your body. Thank you for your kindness and prayers, just knowing you guys are out there helps.

Sorry if my posts are too long, its just that I haven't really talked much about this to anyone - except my husband (who is sweet but can't really relate and probably a little tired of it) so I really appreciate being able to talk about all these things here.

I am also praying and rooting for everyone here!
Posted 3/6/2013 6:09 AM (GMT -8)
Littlewing, the doctors actually didn't find the MSG thing(they were testing me for all kinds of things, when I suggested it might be food allergy or MSG they scoffed at the idea), I was dating a chemist who suggested cutting it out of my diet to see, he told me about how it affected people and the different ways were eerily similar to mine, so I looked it up and sure enough, majority of the side effects were what I was experiencing, so I cut it out along with aspartame and have even cut out gluten here and there, all seem to trigger something, and I'd even bet if I could stick with it and cut out all gluten forever, I'd feel better and be healthier even, I fall off the wagon from time to time.

Gum chewing is something that helps me as well, he told me to buy chiclets and bazooka joe I think it was, they were the only real sugar gum's left at the time, but a few I see have sprung up here and there since then.

And the heat thing, I dunno what it is but that also bugs me, I will also get sleepy and seem to breathe funny, at least when I've eaten MSG, so strange.

Congratulations on taking your daughter to the bus stop, I know the feeling, I've been in your shoes, and still get there from time to time if I have to travel away from my city, I feel like doom is creeping in on me and things aren't right with the world, I start to panic, feeling that if I get too far away from a known hospital all hell will break loose. Just like you I used to be fine, could travel for miles and miles without a second thought, now days?? HAHAHAHA Fat chance!

No posts can be too long in my opinion here, we all need to vent and to chat to heal and help each other out in times of need.

I'm heading into the doc's office soon for a pap, cause she said the ob/gyn was taking too long to wait til April 3rd, and she wants to have a look at me with all that's going on, wish me luck!

Hope you feel better today and are doing well, you're in my prayers.
Posted 3/6/2013 10:57 PM (GMT -8)
Littlewing13,

Your story made me laugh out loud because the fact it sounds exactly like me! I deal with this on a daily basis but have to push my way through and live life and raise my two small children. I have never taken medications for my anxiety for the same reason you aren't. I do however see a. CBT therapist once a week which helps.

You have received great advice already from everyone I just wanted to let you know I relate 100%. Stay focused and determined and we will get thru this ;)
Posted 3/7/2013 4:56 AM (GMT -8)
Thanks JPE004! Sometimes I laugh too, like the idea of running away in terror from.... a grocery store!
But, this is what happens.

So nice to know I am not alone with this stuff. And with two small boys, you have a lot to deal with! I'm glad to know there are other people out there who are getting through this, thanks.

Jessiepooh, I am going to cut out MSG and look for real-sugar gum, see if it helps, thanks! I wonder what brings this on, the anxiety/panic...I get that feeling of doom, too, if I get too far away from home now., just like you described. Wishing you the best with your Pap test.
Posted 3/7/2013 7:55 AM (GMT -8)
Believe me, I know! Last night after work I had to stop off at the grocery store and was in the fruit section & I got this sudden intense pressure in my head and ears and my heart started racing....needless to say it was a real quick trip for me. I gathered exactly what I needed & raced to the check out. In the car I felt "off" like I'd pass out but drove home & was fine :)

That's a simple grocery store trip for me. But everyday is a new day & I work on overcoming this anxiety & panic and keep on going. It'll get better.
Posted 3/9/2013 4:17 AM (GMT -8)
JPE004- that sounds like my a lot of my grocery store trips! Sorry you are going through this too.

Just an update... my husband will be back late tonight, and so far I've made it through. I was able to drive my daughter to and from the bus stop during the week. I've had about three times where I felt extremely anxious and like I was headed for a full blown panic attack, but didn't. No trips to the ER or anything. I did have to ask the baby sitter to bring my daughter to a birthday party today, because the party is a ways away and I don't trust myself to drive that far.

But feeling pretty down about this whole thing and like a bad mom. When my husband did this trip 2 years ago, I took my daughter for a girls night out, took her out for pizza, shopping, did all sorts of things. Now I can't even take her to a birthday party, and I spend half my time at home just trying to talk myself out of a panic. I think I will start looking for a therapist. The thing is, how do you know for sure that it is anxiety, and not something medically wrong?
Posted 3/9/2013 7:41 AM (GMT -8)
Ladies, I'm not saying that we could not have other health problems but if we do Panic/anxiety would sure mask it and make it harder to find, in the mean time all the exercises used to distract and shut down panic are good healthy way to de-stress out lives, and get a little rest for our Spirits which are really catching heck. I wrote in this forum about my Wife jumping up and running out of the restaurant a million times, get into a good group therapy.
The are no time outs on God's play ground!
Larry ***
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