Posted 3/21/2013 11:01 PM (GMT -7)
Red, I debated even posting this because I know it may not be what you want to hear, but here goes anyway.
After reading your post I had many thoughts on the matter, I understand your "hate" for your father for putting you through the hell you are going through with him to this day, but I want to say a few things, you may think I'm an ass for saying this but, everyone responds to problems differently, some may blow things out of proportion, some people get mad at the small things, some blow up about the big things, but, it's very important not to judge anyone, you haven't walked in their shoes, or felt the exact same feelings that they did, you will be effected differently, you lost a mother, you dad lost a wife, and no telling what has happened to him in his life, or how he views the world in his own mind, most people show you how they are on the outside, but few know someone on the inside other than themselves.
He lives in his own misery, he knows what he is doing to himself and it may be exactly what he wants to do, especially at his age, people, when they get to a certain age MOST of the time, will do whatever it is that pleases them and to hell with what anyone else thinks, this is normal, even if you are close to that person and know they aren't treating their body right, you can only offer advice and suggestions, but you can't force them to change, they have to want to do it on their own.
It's good on the conscious to forgive people, no matter their trespasses, and hope they do the same for you. There will come a day when you will look back on this and I would hope, you would wish you did forgive him in your heart before he does pass, even if you think this is the worst thing to do and you would rather stub your toe than speak to him, you will be the better person for it, you will know that you did the right thing, God will be pleased with you because it is a very very hard thing to do, when you have been wronged so greatly.
When done wrong, our hearts become hard, in time they soften and we see more clearly because we are taken out of the midst of the pain/discomfort. Think it over.
As for yourself, I think you need time to relax, it sounds like you have a TON on your plate to handle, with your family and probably work and everything else that comes along with life, hopefully, you can take a break and get some fresh air, go for a drive or find an outlet for your stress, maybe painting or wood working.
I hope the best for you, and I hope you aren't mad at me about my post, I know I probably come off wrong to some people, as I am very opinionated, but my intentions are good, I assure you.
Life is a hell of a road to travel, it has its ups and downs, twists and turns, potholes and hazards, it takes a lot of work to make it to the finish line, but if you really put in effort(do the best you can, and even things you don't always want to do), you will take home the golden trophy.