Soul, I feel bad for you, I think you are just in a bad cycle of time. I had a low level anxiety most of my life, but could live with it fine. However in 2007 it turned to panic out of nowhere - terrible out of body feeling, just like fear would strike me and I would have to pull over the car, or leave a store, and I would totally mess up speeches, etc. for work and be so embarrassed.
I wish I can say I found that magical cure we are all seeking. It is terrible to be ok one day, and then flip to such an uncontrollable, agonizing affliction for the rest of your life. So I truly know what you are feeling. Seems unfair and surreal. I sometimes watch my husband go in and out of highway traffic like he has no care in the world and I think to myself, "why doesn't he feel the panic, or have an attack like me? How is it possible for him to be wired in such a way that he doesn't feel that terrible out of body - going to wreck the car if I don't get off the hwy right now feeling?"
I stopped trying to make sense of all of it and started trying to learn how to live with it. Don't get me wrong, I still hate that it just won't go away, but I'm trying to live with it, as opposed to fighting it. I think it just makes it worse. Having said that, I am freaking out right now because I am out of Klonopin and they won't fill it until they talk to my doctor tomorrow. I have a 25 minutes drive to work, and I work with the public and employees. I so fear that being off it for 2 days is going to make me a hot mess tomorrow.
I took a level of Klonopin since late 2007. I fought anti-depressants until 6 months ago. Went on Lexapro because my MD said it would help regulate and get me off klonopin - not the case so far. I hated trying to find a therapist, took me 4 tries until I found the right one. went to him for a year and it did help. I probably need to go back, but don't have the time or money.
This is what I think, for myself anyway. I realize I may live the rest of my life with this crap. So, I read a lot about it to learn. The more I know, the better I can help myself. I do know alcohol makes it worse, so I need to give up my evening couple glasses of wine. I need to learn mindfulness, and a level of meditation - and not keep worrying about being "perfect" with those two things, just try to do a level of them. I know I need to feed my body better. I also just want to get to a level of weaning my meds to the lowest level until I can find the right time in my life where living without them will not impact my livelihood. Which is a shame, but it is life. And know there are many people out there with the same issue (they may hide it pretty well, but I can spot it often) - but knowing they are going through the same struggle allows me to feel I am not alone in this fight.
I guess what I am saying is, the more all of us try to fight the fact that we were unfortunate enough to be chosen to have this terrible thing, the worse we make it. It sucks, but I think it is no different than someone taking meds and living with any other disorder; diabetes, heart, immune disorders etc. It is just our health issue and we have to do the best to handle it. Keep looking to find the right doctor/help - really sounds like you need someone different to help you . Read up on why the mind and body are wired this way in some people. Find little ways to alter what you are doing, what you taking, whatever will make you feel you are more in control of the situation. I am saying this after years of struggle, and knowing I will really be tested tomorrow, but I just have to believe I can get through it. I wish you well!!!