Posted 7/16/2013 10:53 AM (GMT -6)
Was thinking to myself a week has gone by and what have I really
accomplished- actually have been taking steps to get ahead, but
of course needed to push myself more.
If there was ever a time I need to let go, do everything I can - it's now!
There are two me's: there us the one who looks at a athlete, celebrity ,or other successful individual and says, " I can do that". This I consider a healthy, positive, ambitious person not centered on fear but
going for it.
Then there is the other me. The one who is afraid of making a fool
of himself( doesn't matter that I am competent ) , anxious over doing
things many people don't thnk twice about.
How do I reconcile the individual who is the "superstar", the one who
when I put my mind to it can do some if not special things, but
at least do well for the ones I love and the one inhibited by non-sensical feelings?
I need initiative to move forward, and looking back over the past week
I needed to be more aggressive in making things happen Then!
You see the week is a microsim of my life.it simply doesn't cut it.
I know , I know, can't make up for time, money lost.
But when I say doing nothing( which can destroy a life)is fear
disguised as apathy, laziness, maybe there is something to it.
And momentum works both ways.
I know in my previous posts I have put down the therapy I have
received,and it does no good to complain.
This forum is important to me- I do not see anyone, and I find it
helps for me to air things out and thank you all for giving your
input. In fact, your advice has been far better than the professional
experiences I have had. I know that it's said this forum should not replace regular counseling, but with me my experience has ranged
from alright to mostly terrible.
If this is also a repeat I apologize. Maybe I was not ready for the
truth but here are the facts: in the 90s when I had a terrible period
of insomnia, the counselor said to me, " what are you doing to yourself" - as if I was doing it purposely! Could have used real advice,
and/ or meds then to help, I almost killed myself, falling asleep at the wheel. The other individual, who I confused comfort with a real
therapist, was a absolute piece of garbage, I say that cause I confided
in him and asked if he understood me, that he followed me, that I made sense,to which he said yes. The very next week, he said that
he didn't follow me, I was all over the place, he lied. Said this after
I decided I had enough and was wasting my time. Know I have mentioned this before, just when I reached out for help , either heard
the obvious, or reprehensible garbage.
Fact is as I said, did not know what really was going on till I came here and read on my own. - after seeing the above "dr" for a pretty long time.
Anyways, moving on , having been experiencing some anxiety in the morning, I wake up very early and then after taking .5 Xanax go back to sleep. This is due to my financial situation and lack of a career direction for awhile. I am in the process of getting what might be one of my final chances at a good opportunity, if not my dream job, at least something I can hold my head up high and support my family.
The previous chances didnt come through and in one instance, I really
blew it by not preparing for the interview. As you all realize I am a
dweller, and the fact that I didn't prepare adequately for this important interview bothers me to this day, especially cause of the responsibility I have to my family.
So years lost, thousands lost, opportunities lost, dreams never had
or chased after. Potential never realized.
Freezing in social, athletic situations then feeling good. No rhyme or
reason sometimes ( know I have mentioned this). I am revisiting
old habits as I'm trying to break my shell and go for it finally, I'm
middle age, but maybe not too late.
Had to figure it out by myself and with the help of you guys.
Life can be hard, and I know I have made it harder, but there is no substitute - have to work hard, and even if I am afraid can't let it stop me.
My past is a history of starts,stops, a little success but no continuity.
Need to break that cycle now. It does help, like I said to air things out
in this forum, so thank you all and thanks for your advice.
Time foe solutions, how can I make things better!