Posted 7/29/2013 12:17 PM (GMT -7)
Hi everyone, hope ya'll are doing great. I haven't checked in for quite awhile, things have been pretty hectic. To recap I had my first panic attack last year in april, followed by numerous attacks, lots of medical testing, a mis-diagnosis of terminal cancer and finally diagnosis of anxiety. Over the couple months of testing and doctors/hospitals my anxiety worsened into what I consider Severe along with very strong agoraphobia. I was bed-ridden for several months and things were pretty bleak.
I had a hard time with meds and really don't want to take them anyway so I started therapy and worked on doing stuff I'm scared and changing my living situation which was somewhat sketchy. My partner & I moved cross country in the spring to his hometown for a job he was supposed to get with really good pay.
The house he rented for us turned out to be slum-lord material...the job fell through and the weather here is horrible :( I've been trying to hold it together, but the agoraphobia has gotten out of hand. I had to sell our car before we moved because it wouldn't have made the trip and I was having severe anxiety about driving so we still don't have a vehicle (he doesn't drive). This makes getting around hard...obviously.
The few requirements I'd asked of him when he was house hunting (he came a month before me & the moving truck) was a yard for our dog, close to a store so I could walk to get groceries (to help my anxiety) and a washer dryer. We did end up with a yard... The store is about 4 miles away, the laundrymat is a mile or so. So, unless one of his friends gives us a lift, he rides his bike with cart to the store every couple weeks and rides to the laundry about the same. He found a job working outside (it's real hot & super humid here) so he is grumpy alot and frustrated that he has to do stuff that has always been my job... I don't really blame him for being grumpy but I feel like it's his fault that he chose this house which worsens my limitations.
I work from home and business is going fairly well so I feel ok about my financial contributions but I feel really guilty about not doing this stuff and also resentful that he is angry at me when I would Never have chosen this location!
Anyway, I just got this great book the Anxiety & phobia workbook, and I'm just getting going on it. I was pretty proud of myself today because I did a 45 min workout and yesterday talked to a neighbor for several hours without panicking. But then he was getting ready to go to laundrymat (I was talking myself into going) and he asked me if I would go, then proceeded to guilt me and vent about how I never do laundry or shopping and he hates it and it wrecks his whole day and I should just get over it and go... I walked away until I calmed down, then asked him if he could maybe ask me to do things I'm terrified of in a nice way instead of guilting me...He got really angry and said he's just expressing his feelings and he's been really nice for a long time and the crap is about to hit the fan, cause he's sick of it. I also get Very Angry about this because being the only person who drove, our entire relationship I was the one who did all the shopping, all the errands and I was the sole bread-winner, plus we traveled around the country for several years living out of a vehicle so I felt responsible for everything. Even when I didn't want to do stuff, I had to. so I get p*ssed now when he has the nerve to complain.. It's very frustrating to feel guilty and really angry at the same time :(
I don't blame him in some ways, cause I know I'm miserable so it can't be easy on him, we never go do stuff anymore and we are stuck in the grind of working/paying bills/trying to get by. But, I need some help getting him to understand that I do not respond well to frustration, guilt and making fun of my issues. When I convince myself to do something I'm scared of and keep panic at bay I have to stay really positive about the whole experience. But when he asks me to do something and prefaces it with a sing-song voice 'it's not scary at all, geez its just around the block" and "why can't you just get over it?"
I'm sorry for the long rant but I'm just so sick of this stupid anxiety and the way it's affecting my relationships. I don't want it to seem like he's a bad guy, he has actually been really supportive for the most part, its just over a year of this and his patience is worn out. Any advice for getting him to understand what I'm going through?
I hope that anyone who managed to read through this whole rant is having a much better day than me and kickin' anxiety to the curb.