True to my nature, I chickened out of my colonoscopy. The good news is that the main symptom (blood on stool with bowel movement) that frightened me into seeking help in the first place has stopped and not occurred for over a month now. Due to this main symptom ceasing, I feel fairly reassured and confident enough to know that my fear of colon cancer was most likely irrational and a result of catastrophic thinking.
More good news is that, although I am NOWHERE near back to "normal," I am definitely better than I was weeks ago. My appetite has vastly improved, my thoughts haven't been 100% consumed by healthy anxiety (maybe down to about
50%), and I haven't had a panic attack or felt on edge as often as I did before.
I still am very much dealing with daily anxiety, though, and it is like a roller coaster full of ups-and-downs. Depression seems to be affecting me more than anxiety lately, although anxiety still has a major role. I've contacted a therapist familiar in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy so I'm hoping to set up an appointment and see her soon.
I originally wrote something that has been bothering me for awhile here but I deemed that it was probably too inappropriate and morbid so I erased it. I guess I'll save it for the therapist if I do end up seeing her... Something else that has been bothering me, though, is that my girlfriend seems really bored with me. I can't seem to make her laugh like some new friends she made can and I can tell that she REALLY enjoys talking to other people. She has social anxiety and very low self-esteem and feels lonely all the time. She finally seems to have made a new friend at school but the problem is that this friend is another male. I've told her it's okay to text him and everything because I know how desperately she needs social interaction but I can't say that I'm not jealous. I see how excited and happy she gets when they chat or play an online video game together and frankly it angers me. I'm glad that she is happy and has finally made a friend but it also causes me to become jealous and wonder why I can no longer be the cause of excitement and happy feelings for her. Our relationship has become quite bland as if we were an old married couple. I've already been dealing with depression and self-loathing thoughts and this adds fuel to the fire. I even had a dream of her telling me how inadequate I was.
On the physical side, it seems to take me FOREVER to wake up. My sleep schedule is going to bed at 6 in the morning and waking up at 3 in the afternoon. I feel like a zombie, sluggish, tired, and uninterested in anything for HOURS after waking up. I don't feel more energized until late in the night. Also, as usual, I've been having digestive problems that scare the living heck out of me. I have been learning to control my thoughts better and trying not to jump to the worst possible conclusions when things happen, but I still struggle with morbid anxiety. Most of my anxiety lately has been stemmed by physical symptoms and sensations to do with acid reflux, indigestion, nausea, stomach aches, and the like. These sensations, symptoms, and conditions cause great mental distress and fear for me.
I've been taking a probiotic supplement which actually seems to help with my anxiety and digestive problems a bit. I'm starting to think, though, that a major part of my problem is my untreated GERD... I seem to have acid reflux every single day and I'm wondering if that could be causing my nausea, indigestion, stomach aches, and other stomach-related ailments. I just picked up a prescript
ion of the PPI medication called Prevacid and am debating whether or not to take it. I most likely will end up taking it because I am desperate for these physical symptoms to just STOP.
I truly and genuinely appreciate anyone who actually took the time and effort to read this entire post and reply. Of course, I only expect one or two replies at most, and that's if I'm lucky. I would like to post one of my concerns that I had but am not really sure if it is appropriate due to its morbid nature. I'm always in search for a person that I can truly relate to and for the responses, reassurances, and opinions of others. Thanks.
Post Edited (worrywort87) : 7/31/2013 1:51:54 AM (GMT-6)