Posted 10/23/2013 9:40 PM (GMT -6)
I had staffing meetings from 8:30 to 5:30 today, which means I was in my office with 5 to 9 other people for a very long time. I had 3 panic attacks today, which were managed amazingly well and almost went completely unnoticed. At the onset of the 3rd, a collegue asked if I was cold because my hands and arms were shaking. I told her I was fine, just having a panic attack, not a big deal - and she said "No you're not. You're smiling and laughing. Panic makes people break down, cry, and cease to function. You look very healthy." I was pleased that I was able to cope so well, but at the same time concerned because of the statement coming from someone who works in mental health. It made me think that maybe, partly, treatment has been so varied and unconventional because what I present outwardly does not reflect what is going on inside. I know that a major detriment to treatment has always been that I don't talk. With not talking and not giving any indicators that something is wrong, it is just assumed that I'm doing great until I eventually have a break down and it appears to have happened out of nowhere. Now I'm starting to think that my highly effective coping skills might be detrimental to overall treatment - I'm either fantastic or I'm dying, no one ever sees anything in between. I know it isn't helpful to think it, but I really wish I could talk.