This sounds so bizarre, even before I write it.
The other day I woke up early from a sound sleep and felt like a veil was lifted and all at once I had the most life clarity I've ever had. And I mean ever,....even back into my 20's and 30's and 40's.
I've filed for Disability after 6 years of not working. I was in denial as well as pain, thinking this will pass. But it never did. I even went to college and it took twice as long as it should have because the whole time I was there, I couldn't remember anything, I got lost every day (it's a small school), I wasn't remembering my classmates' names or my teachers... When I did an externship, I wasn't recognizing my "co-workers."
I don't remember any of my training. I mean quite literally, I've forgotten it. I wouldn't know how to jump into the work again. I graduated 2-1/2 years ago, so this isn't exactly ancient.
I can remember not being able to remember.
I can remember my bizarre and odd behavior as if it was a bad dream, and I don't understand it, how I could have actually survived.
The other day when I woke up "in clarity," all of a sudden it hit me....the whole "remembering what I forgot" stuff, if that makes sense. For the past few days I've been completely on top of everything, I can remember dates and names, and I even don't have to wear my glasses (bi-focals) like I used to.
This is weirding me out.
I feel like I woke up from some type of coma. I don't know what to do with these feelings.
Also as I'm getting stronger, physically, through PT, I'm freaking out about getting a job when I can't remember my schooling. I don't understand what happened or what's happening. It's hard to explain. But memories are flooding back to me of actions I've either suppressed, denied or forgotten. This all hit out of nowhere, and I can't explain it, and because I can't, I'm not at ease with it.
EDIT: Part of the "new understanding," is that only now, after 6 years, did it hit me how hard it's been on my family, my chronic pain, my multiple surgeries, me being out of work, multiple illnesses, not contributing. The whole time, it never hit me, never dawned on me, I just sort of plugged along, not realizing the hardship and strain I was imposing.
Now that I see it, I'm uncomfortable spending money I didn't earn, even if it's to take care of myself.