Therapy would usually be an option, but I'm currently without anything but basic medical benefits. My boyfriend suggested it, but of course in order to go I'd need to be under his medical coverage, and that's one of those things people seem to have a hard time getting around to adjusting.
I woke up this morning (afternoon) hoping my boyfriend would be maybe a little less upset. He was playing a video game when I came into the room, and as soon as the round was over he quit the game and went to have a shower.
It's those things that drive me crazy right now. Everything makes me bite my lip, want to cry. I just want some reassurance that I'm not frustrating or upsetting him while on this medication. He does amazingly most of the time, but of course any time either of us falter I fall back to square one in my head, because he's the person I see the most and it's him I'm leaning on.
I try not to lean too heavily. I used to be very good at dealing with this on my own. But ever since I've been able to
open up to him, I almost haven't been able to be strong solely for myself.
I want to go for a walk to clear my head. But every time I do, he takes it personally and gets defensive. We've both acknowledged that fact, but it happens anyway. I'm at a loss every time these things happen.
EDIT: Just an update from earlier today. I went for a bit of a walk, but was still feeling really awful, emotionally. I came home and put an apple, Boost meal replacement drinks, and my laptop in my backpack. Boyfriend asked what I was doing, and I stumbled, said something along the lines of "Somewhere I won't do this to you all day," and I think he thought I was actually just leaving - forever. He got frustrated, and he snapped at me a little bit, leaving me lying on the floor trying to take deep breaths and explain myself to him as calmly as I could. Of course I wasn't leaving forever. He's my best friend, and this is the hardest thing we've ever been through as a couple. Obviously we're going to struggle and stumble.
He said everything he wanted to say, about
how he can handle having his feelings hurt sometimes when I say things I don't mean on these meds, because it's temporary. He said I shouldn't worry about
I was too tired to explain to him that - how can I not worry about
that? He's the most important person in my life. I can't just block out the fact that this medication makes me emotional and, despite my best efforts, I do say hurtful things on bad days. I've tried saying before that I don't like who I am when it happens, that I don't like saying those things or acting in a way that is negative toward him. He continues to say I should just worry about
But it's my nature to care very much about
how I treat him. I can't switch off the guilt. I know guilt is useless. I know he loves me and is here for me. But when these meds act up, when all of a sudden I find myself crying for no reason (or for an insignificant reason) and either I snap at him or he snaps at me, I spiral until I'm either just on the floor wherever I happened to be, crying, or I'm in the bedroom struggling to breathe properly and tearing the sheets off the bed.
It's been an hour or so since I came home with the intention of leaving him alone for a while. He came to me and told me he loves me, he's sorry that he snapped at me this morning/last night. He told me (not unkindly) not to cry, to go and have some food.
But I'm still stuck in this downward spiral of crying over and over again, giving myself the stress headache. That's what anxiety is all about
, isn't it? At least in my experience - little things becoming huge in my head and bringing me down.
He said he doesn't understand why, when this happens, I can't just find somewhere comfortable and read a book, or play video games. Since I've found it very hard to articulate myself verbally since I was little, I paused too long before I wanted to say something, and he said he loved me and went outside to sit on the patio. I wanted to say that asking me to curl up and be comfy and calm and ignore the anxiety is totally backwards. It feels like (and I didn't even want to say this, because it sounds overdramatic and if somebody said it to me I would never believe them) - when this happens, it feels like somebody told me my grandpa died (which he did, 4 or 5 years ago.) It feels like that, something I can't fight or get past because of how horrible it is. And him wanting me to curl up with a good book is like him wanting me to ignore my grandpa's death five minutes after it happened.
I realize that being in the first stage of taking this medication takes the panic attacks away, but it almost makes me depressed at times. I'm waiting for it to get better. He says we can make it, and I believe him, but somehow the thought doesn't help.
Post Edited (kcconcarne) : 1/1/2014 6:06:02 PM (GMT-7)