Posted Today 10:51 AM (GMT -6)
Some aspects of your posts have hit a most definite chord in me. Some examples would be: I'm not what one would even remotely call "sociable" only in the sense that I do not find comfort in crowds, groups, gatherings, etc. (I can be quite sociable, but it tends to be on my terms,....re: who, for how long, with what, and I feel like I need to know I have an "escape plan" if I begin to feel awkward).
You also mentioned the discomfort associated with saying things out loud. Despite the extensive strides I have made in my life (with so many issues, I could write a book), there are a few issues which I've chosen to keep to myself. One involves things that occurred in my childhood. I've never mentioned them, in any specific detail, to anyone, even in therapy. I never lied about them, I just never brought them up.
The last traumatic event I experienced involved me having to leave everything behind and move because I was stalked, abducted, my life threatened and contact made to people from my relatives to my employer and even my physician (perhaps one reason I'm not the biggest fan of the power of the internet and people who know how to use it to harm others)....
The bizarre twist in this, was my being forced to "disappear" also had the most wonderful "side-effect," and it was then that I met my terrific Husband.
What happened in my childhood, to this day I would not feel comfortable writing about.....but that's me, I guess I've yet to come to terms with it. The latter became public information by default when the police were brought in....and even though this was a long time ago, and I am now safe, anything that reminds me of that situation shakes my world upside down.
This is one of the many, many reasons writing on a public forum has been helpful to me. It's the closest I've come to sharing, it's a place I feel comfortable and above all, I feel very SAFE here. There's something about typing from behind my computer,....yet knowing there are real live human beings on the other side to rally for me,...has been, for me anyway, intensely helpful and therapeutic. Even cathartic.
You do need to find the path or paths that work for you. I'm here to share that I can understand aspects of what you're going through in ways I wish I did not. It also means I understand your reluctance. It's important to move at a pace you feel SAFE and comfortable doing so.
Yep, I emphasize that safety thing a lot, but to anyone who has been violated in certain ways, admittedly, safety comes to the forefront. I wish you the absolute best in coming to terms with this and managing your emotions and feelings,....and most of all, regaining control over your life, even with this in the past.
It is, after all,....in the past. The future is yet to unfold before you!
Moderator Anxiety/Panic Forum
"My time for tears will be at my Victory...not at the start of the War." ~~Vickie