Becoming more afraid

Last night about 8:30 I became so tired I could not sit up any longer. I started shaking again pretty badly and had to go to bed where I of course then tossed and turned for quite a while before I could actually go to sleep. Been shaky all day and I am getting more nervous again as night comes closer.

I just feel like crying today. My hubby was home for a few days and he leaves tomorrow again to be gone for weeks again. Another freaking storm system is supposed to be here mon or tue and online it sounds like this part of our state has tornadic risk again. I just feel like I can't take much more right now. I am so tired today and shaky and feel weak.

Now I have the what if's bad because of how I feel. I cannot believe in my mind that anxiety would make me feel so tired and shaky and weak for days on end. I'm freaking out about cancer and a spinal injury and a whole host of things it "could be".

I keep trying to talk to my husband about it but he's sort of to the point he's tired of hearing me because he can't fix it so I feel alone too and afraid.

Yesterday we hosted a picnic and had our family and some extended family also. It was also our anniversary. The day went pretty good actually and I actually thought wow I feel a little better and then BAM about 8:30 last night was when hell hit all over again.

Thank you Deborah. I hope it will get better, I'm getting tired of being tired and afraid.

Scaredy,
You are right there was a lot going on. It is just so frustrating to see a reduction in symptoms and seem like some improvement for it to slam back so bad. I just have so many things I have to take care of here I don't have time to be down. I'm going to try to get to bed early and get some rest tonight. I'm praying for some sleep.

Thank you so much for being there. I've come a long way back from severe anxiety before but I am dealing with some new things so it's throwing me for a loop.

I really appreciate the support <3

Paddicake,
I hope you are safe this week. It is pretty scary when they hit that close, I guess the only good thing is it shows us they can be close but still not touch us. I wish the weather would mellow out already.

I went to bed last night hoping for sleep. The weather radio woke me up at 2:30 with a severe thunderstorm and I couldn't get back to sleep due to the thunder and my body being on an adrenaline rush but as I lay in bed trying it went off again around 3:30. I'm so shaky and sore this morning. I need some rest badly.

I am trying not to be afraid of going to bed tonight. I'm shaking pretty bad this evening. I had to go out and start working on the dog pen I need to put out back. We got a small section done but it was an ordeal and took far longer than I thought it should have. This was the only section we have to use actual fence for, the rest will be made of panels and "should" be easy enough to do. It is just a 10 by 16 foot area, big enough for the dogs to go out and potty. Right now I walk the large dog on a leash several times a day and I walk the small dogs out to the dog pen on the side of the yard and they go there after I walk the larger dog. I just want to be able to open the door and let them in and out and I am working on it :)

Anyway I did more than I have been today and I am feeling it, muscles are in spasm and my arms and legs are shaking. Back and neck hurt. Also the heart palps came back today and I haven't had those for some time. It is doing it every few minutes and it's irritating.

I'm very scared because I go in on Wednesday at 7 am for a brain MRI. I just hope it is an all clear. I also have a very hard time with MRI and being in it, I get panicky. But to have an open MRI I would have to drive an hour and a half each way and I am not up to that so I have to get through this somehow.

I'm so mad today. I went to bed at about 10. I was tired and went right to sleep it seems like. Well I ended up with little sleep and I am shaking and so sore. My son left the house at about 1 am waking me up. I asked him what he was doing but he left and never said anything to me. So I lay awake shaking until the last time I saw the time was 3:30. So I got back to sleep and then the door woke me up again, it was 4:55 and I have been up since then. Could not get back to sleep. He had "sorry" to say about it. I've had it. I wish he'd move out or I could just leave. If I win the lottery I have plans to just up and leave and my husband can deal with all this crap for once. I just want out of here.

He is 21. He has a job, a car payment and insurance payment. He's going to be going back to college next semester part time. I wish he could afford an apartment. It's time when people think it's ok to come and go whenever they want.

We have a fairly small house, it's two story. 3 small bedrooms upstairs and one small down. My room used to be upstairs but I couldn't sleep very well because both my sons would get on the games (my older son who is 24 now just moved out last year) and they would talk half the night into the mic's and I could hear them. So the room downstairs I used to have the tv and stuff in I made back into a bedroom and moved down here. I'm going to have to move into the shed to sleep :/

OH and the nurse form my Dr. office called and I found out they are doing a contrast MRI tomorrow which is scary too. I really cannot stand the sensation when they inject that into the blood, I've had it done before. I'm going to have to pull all I have together tomorrow and get through this.

T2R.,

I agree with Kitt...your house, your rules. Period.

When my oldest daughter turned 18, I was so excited. I thought, wow, we can now move onto to the part of our relationship that will be less stressful.

Since I always maintained that I was her mother, and not attempting to play the role of her 'friend' while she was a teen...I was looking forward to living together in a more companionable way...adults living together harmoniously...

It did not happen that way. My husband and I had to ask her to move out, due to the fact that she did not respect our house rules.

We gave it another try a year and a half later when she needed a place again...only to see history repeat itself.

She was not horribly out of line...but definitely breaking the rules (we had a written contract) not showing us respect...and setting a bad example for her little sister....so out she went again.

Long story short...with her now living on her own again...we have that wonderful friendship that I had hoped for when she turned 18!! (she is now 24)  She calls/texts FB's everyday and we hang out at least 1-2 times a week.  I am pleased and proud to call her a friend.:)

It took awhile, and there were some rough spots, but it was worth the wait.:)

Bottom line:

Living in a house for little/no rent as an adult is a gift, if it is not appreciated, it could be revoked.

In support!...and keeping you in thougts and prayers for tomorrow's procedure!!  It will be alright.

S.C.

sorry u are having such a rough time of it
I can relate to both the "night terrors" and the having a young adult in the house who wants to be treated like an adult but doesn't act like one and causes much anxiety to us moms.

Not sure what your MRI results mean either but putting you in my prayers and hoping it is something easily treated and that you get relief from your anxiety.

all my best

T2R.,

I am sorry that you did not get the news that you expected and hoped for...

...but try not to worry until you get a definitive word from your doctor/the neurologist.

Often times these things that seem so scary are really nothing.

When the what-ifs try to intrude on your thinking...repeat this mantra.

"It is not time to worry about that now....I will wait in peace and calm until I hear the word from the doctor."

Even if you have to say it a hundred times a day at first...it will start to help, and you will find yourself worrying about it less an less.

Keeping your in thoughts and prayers!

Keep posting.:)

S.C.

So My neurology appt has been scheduled for the 28th of this month. I have to pick up my disc for the brain MRI and I will get a copy of the written report and I will be reading that. The doctor already told me that there was deep brain inflammation but I will no doubt read what it says. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't but I know I will.

I have kind of been freaking myself out doing the internet search and what if's looking at lyme disease which I do have tons of symptoms of btw and I hope I don't have that. Well honestly I hope I don't have anything but that's not going to happen either because I clearly have something wrong.

I slept last night and thank God for that favor. Today has been a rough one, my arms and legs shaking pretty bad and they feel heavy and sluggish. I had some panic going on with it earlier but thankfully for right now that has calmed down.

Thank you for your support. My family doesn't really understand and it is frustrating. Counseling isn't till August so not much help there either while I go through all this. It is hard to just sit here with it.

I've been having really bad spells of whatever is wrong with me today. Am going through one right now and it is hard to do. My heart is skipping really bad while my arms and legs are shaking and my neck and back are hurting. Also my legs and arms feel sluggish. I don't know how much is anxiety and how much is something else, I imagine a little bit of both.

I got up and got dressed to go yard sale ing this morning. Part way through I had a really bad spell and I made it to a couple more and had to give it up. Had another episode mid day and then recently another one with the heart palps also.

My one big fear here is that whatever is making my muscles in my arms and legs twitch, shake and feel weak could effect my heart and kill me. That is scaring me so much right now. I had a palp thing today where it felt like my heart had four rapid beats out of control and it was pretty scary. I don't have those super often.

I wish we had enough specialists that we didn't have to wait for appointments. I remember when I was so sick with my gallbladder I had to wait nearly 2 months for surgery and I had mild pancreatitis then also.

On a positive note I slept better the last two nights than I had in months so I was afforded a small break of blessed sleep and dreams with no pain and scary stuff.

My husband will be home or has asked anyway to be home for my neuro appt so I think he will make it. I am going to try to make a list of all my symptoms and any questions so I don't forget anything when I go in.

Tomorrow is the day I may have help to get the fence up for the dogs and I am praying I am well enough to get that done. I really need to get that fence up. It shouldn't be too difficult, we are using panels from the dog pen but it will fence an area so I can just let them out the door and back in. I am hopeful.

4 hours sleep last night. Shaking and my heart was beating so hard it felt like a pulse through my body. My son decided he needed to come downstairs at one again and turn the kitchen light on and mess around down stairs. Couldn't get back to sleep for hours. This is getting so depressing :(

SC I really need the fence done, the bigger dog yanks on me and it is hurting me right now because I feel weak and sore. I hope we can do it. I don't feel well today.