Ok, so as most of you know (I think?), I was in the process of moving a few months ago and couldn't be on here that much. We moved back to our home town on April 30th because something kept telling me that I needed to move closer to my family. We have been busy remodeling a fixer that we bought, so I really didn't have time to get on the computer all that much again.
I have been having problems dealing with certain places that I go around here because some things kick in a trigger for my PTSD. I have been working very hard on not letting that stuff bother me, and I feel I am doing good on that front, but that's not what is bothering me and having me so "messed up" right now.
It's my dad.... We knew he was feeling sick to his stomach all the time and he started losing weight, so he went to the doctor. They did blood work and his liver function test came back high, so the primary doc sent him to a gastroenterologist the following week for a Colonoscopy and an Endoscopy. They both came out fine. So the week after that, they sent him for an ultrasound of the gall bladder, spleen, liver, pancreas,etc...
That day he said he knew something was wrong because the ultrasound tech kept going over the same spot and then left the room and got another tech to come in, and HE kept looking at the same spot. They called the gastro doc while he was there, and he had to go in to see him the same day. There was a mass on his pancreas.
OK, so at this point we suspected he had cancer, and I thought that they could get in there, remove the mass and do chemo or something. And seeing as how we just lost my uncle (my dad's brother) in March to Multiple Myeloma, I was scared to death and I was not ready for the news that came next!
SO, the next step was a CT scan on the 26th of June. He was supposed to go back to him the following Tuesday and go over the results of that. Well, he called him the same day AGAIN and told him to come in at 5:00 that day, after he saw all of his patients for the day. He needed to speak to him right away.
It turns out that my daddy has stage 4 pancreatic cancer.
It has already spread to his liver and lungs, so it's inoperable. There's really nothing they can do for him now besides trying chemo or radiation, which he is refusing.
They only gave him 2-6 months and he said he is not going to spend the last few months of his life being sick from chemo, he would rather enjoy the time he has left with his family.
Well... that Thursday, three weeks ago, when I found out, I had a TOTAL breakdown in my mom's kitchen. I wasn't expecting them to tell me he only had that little bit amount of time left. I have been a nervous wreck since then. My depression is horrible, my anxiety is through the roof, so much so that I have been having to take a total of 2 mgs of xanax a day, instead of the 1 to 1.5 that I normally take. One day it was like 2.5 mgs total. I guess I should say that I"m really supposed to be taking 3 mgs total a day, but I NEVER took that much, EVER.
I go to the house almost every day to check on him, and to keep my mom company and try to keep HER mind off of it by playing games like Scrabble and stuff, because she told me that when she's alone all she does is think about
it. I am trying to stay strong for them both while I am there, and sometimes my dad will tell me what he wants for his services and what should be written in his obituary and stuff, but when I come home, I just sit and cry.
I feel so sad and depressed, and my anxiety is through the roof, and all of this stress is really making my fibromyalgia flare up to the point that I wake up every morning and it feels like someone is tightening a band around my rib cage so tight that I can barely breath. It doesn't go away until I get up out of bed, take some ibuprofen and a xanax and stretch my muscles in my back. I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. Half the time I don't even feel like jumping in the shower. It's THAT bad right now.
I guess I just needed to "dump" all of this weight off my back, and it feels a little better now, even typing it out. Well, actually the muscles in my back are so tight right now they feel like rocks, but you know what I mean.
I'm sorry if I put anyone's health anxiety on high alert
from reading this, but I really did need to get it out. And I really appreciate all of you being here for me while I'm going through this. I have a feeling I'll be needing LOTS of encouragement from here on out.
Love you all!