well I. feel like if I
open up maybe it could better help anyone who's reading my posts to understand what I'm going through or what I went through I'm what I'm trying to get out of. first and foremost I am the mother of a beautiful girl who is 10 years old who has special needs. her biological father left her when she was 2 years old and never look back and never paid a cent for child support. he owes me 90000 dollars if you could believe that.
my daughter has had over fifteen surgeries and she's been born. she is the most courageous wonderful child in this entire world. She also has apraxia... 6 years ago me and my current fiancehooked up. she is an amazing father to my daughter and I am lucky.
on November 18th 2014 my fiance had a horrible car accident which left him in the ICU and clinging to life. both of his parents are deceased and his sister is a full blown out alcoholic. so basically that just left me to take care of him. I had POA over him and I was at the hospital morning till night dealing with doctors surgeons What if what can what will happen what is going to happen to him if he survives who will he be what will he be. I would come home from the hospital and jump right into taking care of my daughter we go to sleep I would wake up get my daughter ready for school and when the bus came I would be jumping right into my father's car and headed down to the hospital.
I was always on the go. when he came home February 2015 he did not come home the man he was mentally thank God he is about
90% himself but physically he is 30% himself. he's in depression he is in pain. thank God that my mother is living with us to help out because I don't know what I would do without her... When My fiance came home it's like the running stopped all of a sudden he was home and I had to adjust to the new man that walk through that door. my room turned into a hospital room. I had to help him even take a shower for the first month he was home.
slowly I felt myself slipping away and becoming an introvert which I am the biggest extrovert you'll ever meet... Lol now all the sudden I'm sitting with my phone and earplugs in and a dark basement watching YouTube viprobably the worst thing I could have done I made myself disappear. so here I am 4 months later and everyday I live in a foggy anxiety ridden depression hopeless sad unable to cry world where I so desperately want back in. I want to be able to take care of my daughter by myself like I always have even though believe me my mother has been fantastic it's just simple things that I'm not be able to do. like take her to the pool by myself because I hate the way I feel.
now I have tremendous depression on top of everything else. I found taking a bath helps but I'm sitting in the bathtub for 6 to 7 hours a day I'm putting towels over the window so there's no sunlight. it seems when the Sun Goes Down I do better and I don't understand why... The other strange thing is I take ambien to sleep and if I take a tiny piece at around 8:30 p.m. I seemed to snap back to normal for a little bit! I really wish I could understand why...
I am a person or I was a person who love life we wanted to do a hundred things everyday who loves the Sun like the warm summer now I wake up and I'm struggling with anxiety before I even
open my eyes and then I become miserable I do nothing all day but sit around the house I do nothing I have nothing in me to even try to do anything.
the car my fiance was driving what are our car and it's totaled and its gone so I have no car nothing back to work no money nothing to look forward to. and on top of it all I can't even sit still almost manic running up and down the stairs it's insane. unless if I sit in the tub and watch a movie that's the only time I'm calm besides taking an Ambien at night. so basically I live my life everyday counting the hours down until the Sun sets so I could go to bed...
I was on Prozac for a month and it made me deliriously miserable the side effects were too much on top ofbut derealization I couldn't handle it I couldn't handle the anxiety aspect the sweeping aspect insomnia I couldn't do it so I switched to Zoloft for a week and I still felt so sick. So I gradually titrated off now I am on 3, 15 milligrams of oxycodone a day and a 10 milligram and Ambien at night. I do have .5 Ativan but it seems like it doesn't work I don't know if its psychosomatic or what maybe I'm just taking tiny pieces cuz that's all I take is a quarter of a point five maybe I should take more but I feel like I'm going to get anxiety
I don't understand then I tried l-theanine and I thought it gave me anxiety too. well that's my whole story I really hope somebody can shine some light on this very dark life that I've been living... The best way to put it is that I feel like Alice in Wonderland and I'm on the other side of the mirror and I can't get back home but I crave coming home so bad I miss my family and I miss feeling safe and calm happy... Thank you to everybody on this site I think you are all amazing people and I appreciate everybody that who commented on all my posts I think you're all sent from above you're all angels on this earth... Thanks for Listening...
Edited your post to make paragraph's as some of our members are hard of seeing and it makes it easier for them to read.
Post Edited By Moderator (AngelLisa) : 6/6/2015 3:15:31 PM (GMT-6)