Posted 6/12/2015 9:05 PM (GMT -6)
First and foremost, I appreciate the encouragement you all have given me. Thank you.
WARNING: This first one is going to be a beast. I struggle with the longer posts, so if you can stick it out with me, you're a better person than I.
6.8.15: Monday was interesting. As many of us know, Monday morning is tough. My shower crapped out last weekend, so I've been using my mom's. I have a shower/tub, while she just has the shower with the door closes and all that. The claustrophobia kicked in, but I got through it. In a way, it threw me out of my routine. With all the thoughts I have running in my head from Point A to B already makes it tough. It is what it is. I used to joke with my co-worker that I have nothing going on in my head. She wisely said I have too much going on.
I get to work and half the office is out. This is bittersweet. There is less noise, but it can make other things tougher since there is lack of coverage. A woman I work with, whom I like personally, makes personal calls as soon as she gets to her chair in the morning. Hello? Cell phones. That can be done on her commute to work. I answered I don't know how many calls while she talked for FORTY minutes. FORTY. Four zero. Then another whom I like personally but don't care for professionally visited with the aforementioned woman for another ten minutes. And then it was time for another personal call. I can't have ear buds, but this is okay. Just so we're clear.
The rest of the work day is a bit of a blur.
I had a dentist appointment late that afternoon. That man is friggin' incredible. He took the time to get to know me. His assistant was also great. He and she have this great repoire about them. They joke with each other and it's just refreshing. There was a mutual respect. There was no, "I'm the dentist and you're just the assistant" going on. I spoke with him a little bit about my anxiety. While I was in the chair, I had an anxiety attack in the beginning. Truth be told, I believe it was just because I was rushing to get there because I left work too late. I had chipped at least one of my front teeth and he did a miracle job to repair that. We talked about my dad, the importance of me brushing at night of all people, music, and whatever else. They had me smiling when I couldn't talk. Who smiles in a dentist's chair? I wasn't even gassed. It was like I knew them for years. He couldn't take care of my now worthless filling, but I get to see him again next month, so I'm excited to see them again. My mom works in the same building as them and she told them how much I thought of them and they shared the sentiment. I can be quite charming. Sometimes it's tough to see that anything is 'wrong' with me. I simply treat the people that help me like gold.
That night, I discovered the women's World Cup was starting and the USA was playing. I love me some Hope Solo domestic issues aside. However, my Blackhawks were also playing in the Stanley Cup Finals. Wrestling was also on. I made the decision to pay the most attention to the World Cup game. It ended up being white noise. I spend way too much time on my tablet. It's a mild addiction.
6.9.15: The safe bet is to say work sucked again. I don't recall any specifics. That night, I went to see Less Than Jake (where I got my email lessthanjohn from) and Reel Big Fish. For those unfamiliar, they are ska bands, so they involve horns like saxophones in their shows. My childhood friend, Bill, went with me. I used to call him Mr. Hat and he would call me Garry because South Park. haha. I went to get him right after work. When I got there, he hadn't showered, so I was a little put out because he had all day to do so. However, it gave me an opportunity to get to know his wife a little. They had taken in a dog that day that had never been inside. He lived with a man that lived in a tent. The man got into some kind of home and the dog couldn't go. The continued disrespect given to these amazing creatures is one of the things I most struggle with in life. Not to insult any parents, but many dogs are better behaved than children are. Anyway, I developed a newfound respect for my friend because he did that for that dog. He came downstairs from the shower, I changed, and we were on our way. I didn't really have to pick him up, but I have easy access to parking since the venue is walking distance from my job. No point in making him suffer in order to find city parking, plus I had some time to kill. We went out to eat and he made the better selection. My mom insisted on giving me cash to treat us both which was nice of her. I also bought Bill's ticket for the concert. I was going to anyway, but I found out he's unemployed/underemployed. I got a lot of joy out of doing something for him. We had a blast back in the day doing childish crap. He would bump traffic barrels with his car and knock them over and we would go to grocery store parking lots and just drive around in circles while I stuck my arm out of the window and dragged the cart around the lot while he drove. lol. Between him and my best friend, Tyler, I have no fear when I am in a vehicle. They toughened me up... those nutjobs. ANYWAY, the show was pretty good, but the back pain which I can usually ignore was killing me. I can't stand in one place for very long without it stiffening up. It hurt my feet and knees, too. The fact I'm not as young as I used to be really took some shape there. My back, knees, and feet bothered me for the rest of the week. I took Bill home and by the time I got to bed, I have been tired since then.
6.10.15: I'm finally getting used to ma's shower. Nothing really stands out about work, but rest assured it sucked. I was supposed to check out a new church's healing service as recommended by my old PCP and current psychologist, but I just wasn't up to it. The goal is to go next Wednesday, so we'll see. It's apparently pretty great. I did see my new PCP that day and boy, was I stressed when I got there. I got out of work too late and was 15 minutes tardy to my appointment, but luckily, I still got seen. My GI (whom I saw June 1) needed to specifically know what test(s) were indicative of Crohn's. The PCP had told me at my prior appointment that he would get in touch with my GI doc, but he didn't. He thought he sent the results to the GI, but apparently he didn't. Those got sent. I mentioned this lump on my chest to you guys before and my PCP gave me my third opinion on it. An NP at his practice saw me for my sore throat a few weeks ago and she felt it was a lipoma. My GI felt it was a lipoma. My PCP thinks it's a lipoma. I mentioned a walking program I am starting to him and he thought it sounded great. My intentions were to have a printout for him to show him said program, but I forgot. Basically, the first two days, you start at 15 minutes, then 20, then back to 15, and so forth until I get to an hour. It is twelve weeks. I also mentioned yoga to him and he thinks that is a GREAT idea, so I thank all you for that. I talked about squatting on the toilet instead of sitting because I heard something on the radio that says sitting on the toilet isn't as healthy. He was really of no opinion. At this point, I'm sure he think I'm nuts. We discussed my back a little bit and he examined me. The bottom of my spine curves more than most, but not too much to make it a concern. I mentioned my sore throat to him and he didn't have much to say about this, either. We then talked about work and my anxiety I experience without my ear buds. He recommends going the medical route to get them back because it may come back to bite me. So, I'm back to square one there.
6.11.15: I remember this day at work quite well. Around 11:30, I figured I would stretch my legs. It's important to get out of the office and just away from your desk sometimes. Well, I took the back elevator to the third floor. To draw you a picture, the third floor is where all the judge's chambers are. The courtrooms are in the middle of the room. However, there is like a hallway that wraps around the courtrooms that is a secure area. It's nice to just take a quick lap and then get back to my desk. As soon as I get off the elevator, I take a right without looking left first. All of a sudden, I feel like I hear someone behind me from some distance. It was little man (aka my boss). I thought he wanted to talk to me, but maybe not. I smiled while he made his way toward me and began to make small talk about how hot is out and such. He then asks me what I was doing upstairs and I simply told him I was stretching my legs. He responds with, "That's what lunch breaks are for. I don't think the judges want you walking around up here." He said it so rudely. As soon as he said it, I turned around and walked away without saying a word. He then had the gall to peek around the corner and said, "Can I get an 'affirmative' on that?" I nodded and said, "Yes, sir," whilst staring daggers through him.
I went and told my boss about it. Unfortunately, she seems like a figurehead because her hands are tied with so many things. Little man has the final call. She seemed to take my side and just kind of shook her head about what he did. She figures either one of the judge's secretaries said something about seeing me up there too much or whatever. I'm not bothering ANYBODY. Prisoners are taken this way from the ground floor, so it could also be a safety issue. However, the hundreds of times I've walked up there, I can count on one hand how many times I've seen a prisoner. Oh, and they are handcuffed and have guards with them, but whatever.
I spoke with a trusted co-worker about what little man said and she was definitely on my side. Tears welled up in my eyes as I spoke to her because I was so angry, so I went to the bathroom and cried for ten minutes. It's very difficult to get under my skin like that. These things said, I have no respect for little man. I can't stretch my legs but others can go outside and smoke. Others can make personal calls. I'm not one of the prize pigs, so yeah, my life is rough there. He forgets how good I make him look on a daily basis and I may remind him soon.
Needless to say, anxiety was through the roof. I had two more doctor's appointments that afternoon and didn't get to pop a Xanax during the tumultuous time at work there thanks to little man. My first appointment was with my dermatologist. I go twice a year for skin checks due to my many moles and the fact melanoma runs in my family and that type of cancer does not joke around. The skin check went GREAT as usually does. Another past problem I prefer to keep private is also still okay. My dermatologist and her assistant whom is just short of being a dermatologist also believe the chest lump is likely a harmless lipoma. It does not have the characteristics of a mass, etc. Better treatment for my dry scalp and ears is about to be underway. I nervously scratch and dig. It's a bad habit. It is okay to scratch a little, but I want to avoid digging. I told her my toenails have been growing slowly and she says that can be attributed to stress perhaps which I'm under a lot of at the moment. We talked about how my hands occasionally itch and how important moisturizing is. We also discussed getting some sun to help up my Vitamin D levels. My PCP recently said I could go up to 8000IU, which is a lot. So I'm supposed to sun my forearms for 15 minutes three times a week. This limited exposure over a lifetime is actually very short, so skin damage, melanoma, etc. are unlikely. I also found I'm an ideal candidate for laser hair removal. lol. Unfortunately, they don't do it there, but they gave me two phone numbers, so I'm going to compare prices. It was decided my pelvic discomfort is not a skin issue. The skin there looks great. I need to make a note to ask her about having to use baby powder every day and there was something else, too... maybe it'll come to me. The assistant or whatever primarily helped me and even took a few minutes extra to talk to me and I told her how much it meant to me.
Up next: Psychologist appointment, feeling abandonment from my mom, more work issues, a decent moment today, and my evening...
I need a typing break. I really expect no response, nor do I expect anyone to read all this.
LapNissen Fundoplication, 8/9/13
Gallbladder removal, 10/15/14
Sufferer of GERD, Anxiety, Depression, Loneliness
Frequent poster in Anxiety - Panic Disorders forum
"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." - Van Wilder, Van Wilder