Posted 6/24/2015 11:52 PM (GMT -7)
I was raped by my ex multiple times while I was asleep or passed out. I am seeing a wonderful therapist right now on a weekly basis and we are working on opening up about this trauma since I've pushed it down and refused to acknowledge it until my very first weeklong panic attack a few weeks ago.
I'm not on anxiety medication yet but my PCP switched me from 60 mg of Prozac to 100 mg of Zoloft. So far, it seems to be working as intended, but I know it's not an anti-anxiety medication. I can become relaxed after several rounds of deep breathing, especially when I am aware of when the anxiety is coming on.
However, it does not work 100% of the time. Anywhere I go, I feel anxious and unsafe (my therapist has used this word with me so I feel comfortable also using it because it is essentially how I feel). I'm worried I will run into my ex or somebody (gender doesn't matter) will grab me. When I am touched and I do not see the person touching me (especially in my genitals), I freak out and begin to cry immediately. This has made me uncomfortable when becoming intimate with my boyfriend, C, because I am worried he will accidentally touch me and I will begin to cry. This has happened a few times and he has always, always been supportive and loving while I calm myself down.
In public, I'm always on edge. My face even twitches and tightens as if it is being pulled back by tape sometimes! It's such a weird and uncomfortable feeling. I've begun to think of it as my mask being put in place, because I always do it when I begin to think of something that causes anxiety. And, just now, I did it again.
I am so sick of automatically not trusting anybody. I don't even interact with my coworkers like I used to before this anxiety/PTSD set in. I just sit alone at my cubicle and read anti-depression/anxiety/etc articles to calm myself down. I'm glad I found this site tonight.
Anyways, my therapist and PCP are considering putting me on anxiety medication (Wel...something or other. I can't remember what they said). But, until then, I need some non-medication ways to fix this weird tsunami of anxiety that appears out of nowhere.