I'm doing pretty well today. Sometimes I almost 'give in' to the 'fact' that I'm HIV negative (too remote to even consider). I say 'give in' because for the obsessive mind uses worry and fear of a bad outcome to complete its cycle of anxiety/discomfort and relief. Rationality or irrationality are irrelevant- that is 'third party observer ' (which ultimately the victim has to develop within) to use as tools for realistic conclusions. Since nothing can be said for absolute certain in terms of safety, the obsessive trigger in the dysfunction will always have something to use for the spiraling OCD cycle.
Unfortunately the obsessive part of my personality doesn't allow my psyche to stay rational very long and plans, the next week, life in general goes on hold again and reality feels 'tainted' by the specter of being confronted with a positive test result (which I know is not going to happen but my mind can't let go of it). Then I forget all about
for a few hours, often it comes back but bothers me just for a moment.
Until now I ALWAYS got tested before my official test because I was too scared. I realize it's imagining the humiliation that frightens me. Now I'm not sure when I'll know. Sometime next week our papers will be processed and I'll know. I refuse to get tested for 'peace of mind' because it doesn't work. That is to say, you get it over with but it doesn't really help you to cope. So this is new for me.
My daughter is living with me (she's studying Chinese medicine) and has the same kind of OCD patterns as I do. Her HIV test really frightened her as well and in her case we did get a same day test as she really wanted one. She was negative. I've decided that instead of focusing on me me me I need to focus on her and helping her no matter what happens to me. That not only helps, but it's the way it should be. I don't talk about
my anxiety over this med check as I don't want to stress her out. I think I'm protecting her and making myself stronger too.
Post Edited (joey25) : 5/27/2016 9:36:00 AM (GMT-6)