Posted 7/19/2016 7:52 PM (GMT -7)
Hello everybody! I haven't been on for quite a while..not because life's been great,but because it's been off the charts.
Thanksgiving of last year, my grandma who was 90 years old at the time kinda lost it. She was blind yet still lived on her own and took quite good care of herself but whatever happend that day changed things..for our whole family. She became very scared to be in her home alone. She was hallucinating and saying totally off the wall things. So I made a hard decision...we promised to never make her leave her home a long time prior to this happening and I was going to honor that promise so I quit my job and I moved in with her!
Soon after, she was placed on hospice and we began a journey together that I will never regret but one that broke my heart. We got on with life and I enjoyed my time with her. There were bumps along the way but we were happy. Then one morning I woke up and she was different...the hospice nurse came and told us she was declining and she had 2 to 4 weeks to live.
She didn't take that news well and said she was going to prove them wrong. She discontinued her meds and removed her oxygen and did ok. I think I was in shock that all this was happening because never once did I lose it or feel any type of anxiety or panic. She made it clear she wanted all of her grandkids and great grandkids together for a final dinner which was arranged and we all spent our time with her. The day after we all came together she quit eating and drinking and I began having to help her in and out of bed and to the bathroom. We finally got a hospital bed and the day she laid in that bed I never got to hear my grandma talk again..
She left this world on April 8 th at 5:55 in the morning. True to herself,she left on her own terms and did it her own way. She proved them wrong,she lived 5 weeks to the time they gave her. I held her hand and I prayed her to heaven. A piece of me left with her that morning and I wonder if I will ever be the same...
Which brings me to now...I handled her dying, I made it thru the funeral and packing the house and selling the house. I went back to work but now, that the dust has settled and things have returned to a somewhat normalcy I'm starting to lose it!
I've been to the dr. Have had my yearly check up,bloodwork and all that good stuff. There's nothing physically wrong with me but yet I feel so sick.
Sorry I wrote a book, I just needed to get it out. Do I just need to give myself time to continue grieving? Maybe I need some bereavement counseling...idk. I'm just really freaking myself out.
If you read all this thank you. Maybe someone can tell me where do I start to help myself!