Posted 7/21/2016 10:53 AM (GMT -7)
Please be honest I decided to post on here to receive feed back and what would you do? So I came to the conclusion that for my peace, and to get completely healthy that I should find me another church to go to and just move forward. Too many hurtful memories and things I feel like truly hasn't change, and I really don't see them completely changing. I gave my brother credit where it was due, but that still wasn't good enough. Fact is he has always treated others around better than me, and just recently started to some what support me a little I guess I should've never told him that he can some what come off mean and controlling at times which is so true. And not just with me I have literally watched this for a long time, and never said anything he is a Pastor. Oh I should've never said anything, as always he found a way to turn it around on me and basically says no one else has ever told him that. I really wanted to reply and say they are more than likely scared to, are as one does makes excuses and say oh he is just tired and so so I sm sorry there are no excuses for this happening often don't get me wrong he is a good man. We all have our flaws we should be grateful, to have someone hold us accountable in love and truth and thats real. What I am tired of is hearing why do I start stuff(as my mother said) when she is guilty of coming to me and telling me what he has said behind my back and he don't even know it either(because I am always busy protecting everyone when they are being messy and always find a way to make me look wrong for reacting and speaking up for myself. My brother is guilty of this to of telling me something someone else said behind my back. That should've told me themselves especially when I gave this person the opportunity to. Fact is this person has been involved in so much, but my brother always finds away to put the blame off on everyone else just like he did me for females in the church being messy and rude to me behind this man. I even know this man showed text messages to my brother, that I sent him in private but they both don't know that(me protecting the both of them) and my mother who told me even though I already knew this. Because I began to feel it and felt like he was telling him our conversations all a long, and for the longest I had to listen to my mother talk about my brother to me. As I know she was doing the same about me to him, because he told me oh but I am the bad one when I point this out and she don't want to hear it and start screaming . Just like I know she talked about me to my Aunt behind my back, I point it out and again I am wrong and everyone is quick to call the other one messy. When truth is I am the only one that hasn't been messy, and ask why do she not protect me like she do my brother who everyone thinks is perfect. Because he married, drive, finished high school, and works and I am basically just not doing anything. I have always had stuff going on from bullying to so much more, and I wish I could go back because I allowed evil people to make me run for so long and miss out on a lot. Never had a good man and don't know how to react to a good one, because of all the hell the bad ones put me through and I was to weak at the time to realize it and thought it was normal. Because I really never knew a good man and then deal with family drama, when they think I am just supposed to put up with their mess and mistreatment. Even from my brother wife who he told just like he told my uncle I had Aids, and it wasn't even his place to tell my uncle my status especially the wrong one. I feel bullied by my own family at times who are the reason behind some of the stress about 80% I feel they genuinely don't care, and only think of themselves I see it in their actions and as my mother said the reason why my brother don't call is because he says I am too negative. Oh but they love me but everyone is going through their own problems as they put it. I thought family was supposed to help each other through, and be there for one another no matter what. I feel like getting all of them in one room and freeing myself from all and everything I know. Oh I should say even with my choice, he first told me to find another church(put me out) after he talked me into coming back. I feel all because he was too afraid of what me not going there anymore would look like, he also told me not to call or text him anymore and not to call or text any other members in the church. He basically proved what I said was true, and still refuse to see it there is so much more I can say but my hand is tired of typing. I mean was I wrong and what would you do? I just don't get it and then people wonder why I have to fight through depression, and unwanted thoughts that come it all has to do with people and so much more.