My wife of 17 years has suddenly stopped talking to me and wants to leave me

What is pissing her off so much all of a suddeb
0
the incident which occured 2 years ago - 0.0%
3
cumilative stress/effect of the feeling from the past few years? - 100.0%
0
friends influencing? - 0.0%

 
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vkj
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Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 6/29/2017 11:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Recently when i asked my wife why she is unhappy ..she started blurting out all her feelings and started telling me about all her unhappiness and what she is going through that she doesn't trust me( there was an incident where i did something that has really affected her self esteem) and that my family has caused her so much harm that she doesn't wanna live with me anymore..

after that she consistently refers to that incident and doesn't talk much to me and she is very rude to me

i get bouts of anxiety to get everything alright but the silence and coldness from her doesnt let me be in peace i know there have been several mistakes from my end but i have been trying to set it right from the past 2 years but she just doesnt wanna put an effort

what to do?

Scaredy Cat
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   Posted 6/29/2017 12:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello and welcome.

I am very sorry to hear of the challenges in your marriage currently. Relationship and personal conflicts are a big anxiety trigger for me as well...so I understand how you are feeling.

Have you asked your wife to attend marriage counseling with you? That is the next step I would take.

Whether or not she goes along...you should go anyway.


This will accomplish two things. One, it will show her you are serious in doing whatever it takes to restore your relationship...

...and two, you can get the help that you need for managing your anxiety through this experience.

We can't change others, only ourselves. Taking positive steps to do your best in your relationship is of course critical. However what's key is to make sure you are the healthiest individual you can be...

...and in any outcome, you will be alright. 😊

Post with us anytime for support and encouragement!

Scaredy Cat
Moderator:Anxiety/Panic

"Courage is not the abscence of fear, it is feeling afraid and doing it anyway!"

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles...it empties today of its strength."
Corrie Ten Boom

Panic Syndrome recovery due to CBT

Tim Tam
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Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1256
   Posted 6/29/2017 5:23 PM (GMT -6)   
You said in the title of your post, she wants you to leave.

My wife said that to me and we had a house we were buying together, and a 3 year old child.

And she wanted m to leave cause she got caught having an affair?

You know like, why couldn't she leave? Why is she ordering me out of our own house, away from our child?

So, do you have any children? Are you buying your house?

If not, this could be a relatively simple matter. She, for instance, could leave. So, what's stopping her?

I was as flustered as you were. But it does remind me of my wife's statement of "leave!"

vkj
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 6/29/2017 11:16 PM (GMT -6)   
hey first of all thanks all of you!!!!! ...the replies itself make me feel better if not anything else...looking forward to keeping engaged
Scaredy Cat: yes i have been seeing a psychiatrist from a year now but not frequently. After her outburst recently i did see a psychiatrist who kind of read through my whole saga and she advised me to a marriage counsellor . She did gimme some medicines too ...to check my serotonin levels ..this medicine made me very depressed so i stopped taking it. She sees me doing all this but still in her outbursts now and then still manages to bring out the episodes which happened 2 years back etc. Its very difficult
i will go to the marriage counsellor soon.

Tim Tam: yes why couldn't she leave ...good question ..at the time she told it felt like it could happen anytime ..but now she talks to my daughter like normal, she only shows her anger at me ..but then she does talk to me its not like she is shutting me out totally . my overreaction too is a problem that i bring for myself . I have a 15 year old daughter. We have our own house and unfortunately we had booked another home last year ..at that time she didnt bring out any such statements or behaviour ...im so confused and anxious why suddenly so much hate and that too even 3 weeks after the outbursts

vkj
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 6/29/2017 11:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Tim Tam: have you guys separated now?

Scaredy Cat
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 28116
   Posted 6/30/2017 12:00 AM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry this is so hard...

...but you are taking all the right steps, so feel good about this.

We are here for you, keep posting anytime you need to share.

S.C.
Moderator:Anxiety/Panic

"Courage is not the abscence of fear, it is feeling afraid and doing it anyway!"

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles...it empties today of its strength."
Corrie Ten Boom

Panic Syndrome recovery due to CBT

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1256
   Posted 6/30/2017 12:08 PM (GMT -6)   
vkarkala:

Thanks for the nice response.

You asked: "have you guys separated now?"

Well, it's a long story. Twenty-nine years of long story.

That is, when it first became evident that she was having an affair, it was 29 years before that situation ended.

It ended when she passed away from a long illness, cancer, she smoked.

It was like seeing a freight train coming at you (her attacking me), and then right at the last second, it veered off the track.

It was like two dogs in a pit. We couldn't get out. We both wanted to stay for the child and then house. By the time the child grew up, we stayed because the house was almost paid for and we didn't want to leave that.

I didn't argue with her. She would argue with me, but I wouldn't respond.

Do you have any idea why she is upset with you? Is she seeing someone else?

My wife was, but I would refuse to officially acknowledge it to myself. If she said she wasn't having an affair, I would choose to believe that so that I could lessen the tension in my house and in my mind.

After her funeral, only then did I feel I could objectively look at the situation, and I did come to the conclusion that she was having an affair. But while we were living in the same house together, it would have been too much stress to be too smart too soon.

Or, maybe, you've had an affair, for you said,

"she doesn't trust me( there was an incident where i did something that has really affected her self esteem) and that my family has caused her so much harm that she doesn't wanna live with me anymore.."

So, that's the same thing but not with the wife straying during the marriage, but with, yourself, the husband committing some sort of offense. is there any way you can give us a clue what that offense was? Maybe she's in the right, and you're in the wrong.

You said, "I have a 15 year old daughter. We have our own house and unfortunately we had booked another home last year ..at that time she didnt bring out any such statements or behaviour ...im so confused and anxious why suddenly so much hate and that too even 3 weeks after the outbursts

Again, you said, "...im so confused and anxious why suddenly so much hate and that too even 3 weeks after the outbursts"

Again, why the sudden outburst from her? Is she having an affair. Have you looked at that and seen any signs?

That was exactly the situation with my wife. She was forced into a situation where her lover changed jobs, and she had to change jobs, too, to work near where he did, so she was forced to reveal something was going on, cause I was going to find out anyway when she changed jobs.

So, with your wife, why the sudden outbursts?

Again, if you had an affair type situation, you've got to look at that.

What is your part in this?

vkj
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 6/30/2017 1:21 PM (GMT -6)   
tim tam ..2 years ago i was in a swingers club ...one thing led to another and she caught me sharing her pics with someone on the net ...after that she chose to leave the incident behind ..but every now and then keeps bringing up that incident ...my sister is always unhappy with her and they have even gone to the extend of calling her a *****...she is definitely traumatised by all of this ..like she says " i have given it my 200% but now im shattered" ....

Scaredy Cat
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 28116
   Posted 6/30/2017 3:41 PM (GMT -6)   
V.,

While admittedly that would be a deal breaker for many relationships...

She has stayed with you thus far, and seems to have tried to forgive and move on.

In addition to the restorative steps you have taken...you will need to call off your sister...and protect your wife from any further contact from her.

If you have truly changed, and dedicated yourself only to your wife and your marriage...

...perhaps there is hope for her healing fully from this.

Wishing you the best.

S.C.
Moderator:Anxiety/Panic

"Courage is not the abscence of fear, it is feeling afraid and doing it anyway!"

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles...it empties today of its strength."
Corrie Ten Boom

Panic Syndrome recovery due to CBT

vkj
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 6/30/2017 11:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Scaredy Cat...
Honestly from the past 2 years i have been trying my best ...
i engage in my home activities as much as i can ..no indulgence in the activities that i mentioned
she was kind of fine too although not fully...but after the outburst a month back she has gone to an extreme
i couldnt sleep well last night ...my nephew ( my sisters son) is leaving the country for good . even he is fed up with their attitude ( his parents) . i got very emotional and heavy hearted .

i have asked her to block my sister almost more than a year back. this marriage is very important to me although i am very stressed rt now and i may have been nagging on her which possibly caused the outburst

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1256
   Posted 7/1/2017 12:40 PM (GMT -6)   
You were in a swingers club by yourself. The plot thickens.

She didn't participate. Did she know you were in the swingers club?

And in your latest post you said about yourself, "no indulgence in the activities that i mentioned"

And you're wondering why your marriage is in trouble.

Well, let me explain this to you.... I'm making lite, but this does sound like we're starting off this marriage on the wrong foot.

And now you're complaining about her complaining about your being in a swingers club. Well, maybe she is hacked off.

And on top of that, you sent her pictures to someone over the net. Yeah, that would do it.

Are those the issues, you were swinging and she was not? And, again, did she know you were swinging?

Scaredy Cat
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 28116
   Posted 7/1/2017 2:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Easy now...

...he fully understands his mistake...and you can't un-ring a bell...what was done is done.

The question is how does he move forward.

Continuing with therapy, anxiety management...and doing his best in restoring trust in the marriage.

The rest is up to her, and whether she can recover from this hurt.

Hoping it works out.

S.C.
Moderator:Anxiety/Panic

"Courage is not the abscence of fear, it is feeling afraid and doing it anyway!"

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles...it empties today of its strength."
Corrie Ten Boom

Panic Syndrome recovery due to CBT

Post Edited (Scaredy Cat) : 7/1/2017 1:14:12 PM (GMT-6)


vkj
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 7/2/2017 10:26 AM (GMT -6)   
thanks Scaredy Cat... hoping for some positivity ..keeping my efforts on ...im nto taking the meds right now...later when im "hopefully" in a better state i may consider taking them

prew
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2016
Total Posts : 418
   Posted 7/2/2017 2:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Shame man I hope you work things out ..so sad and tiring to always ask for forgiveness..but pray about it she will as time goes on accept ..

vkj
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 7/2/2017 10:04 PM (GMT -6)   
struggling with sleep...what should i do ...can you guys help?

vkj
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 7/2/2017 10:07 PM (GMT -6)   
always wake up in the morning with racing thoughts and vague dreams since 2 days

Scaredy Cat
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 28116
   Posted 7/2/2017 10:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Chamomile tea latte (combination of herb and warm milk is super relaxing)

...and here is a link for Binaural Beats (soundwave therapy)..which is helpful for many.

/youtu.be/1l13TSFrNgM

I hope you get the rest you seek tonight!

S.C.
Moderator:Anxiety/Panic

"Courage is not the abscence of fear, it is feeling afraid and doing it anyway!"

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles...it empties today of its strength."
Corrie Ten Boom

Panic Syndrome recovery due to CBT

vkj
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 7/3/2017 3:05 AM (GMT -6)   
thanks SC ...will try it

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1256
   Posted 7/3/2017 12:44 PM (GMT -6)   
vkarkala:

For sleep, to avoid a doctor's sleeping pill, I take a sleep suppliment tablet called Melatonin.

It's from the health food store or on the net.

If you're taking meds, some advise to check with your doctor or druggist to see if Melatonin is OK to take with the meds that you are taking.

I take one 1 mg. tablet of Melatonin at night. That wouldn't be enough it I wasn't taking doctor meds (Lithium and Mirtazapine for by bipolar).

If I was not on meds, I would have to take more than 1 mg. of Melatonin a night to get to sleep. They sell Melatonin in 5 mg pills, so 3 or 4 mg. of that must be OK.

I'm just speaking as an amateur, so you'll have to decide what you think.

You say, "always wake up in the morning with racing thoughts and vague dreams since 2 days"

Racing thoughts. Hello! I'm bipolar, and I having racing thoughts without my Lithium, for the mania, and I also take Mirtazapine for my depression.

Have you ever been diagnosed with bipolar? For some reason, you're on the anxiety forum. Have you ever been diagnosed with anxiety?

As a bipolar, especially if I'm not on Lithium, which tamps down the mania, I have problems with sex, also. So if you're bipolar, and you're not on Lithium (and an anti-depressant), you can count your lucky stars that you're doing as well as you are.

You might look on the net search engine under "bipolar," and reach the symptoms on some of the websites.

If you think you might have that, you could consider getting a psychiatrist and see what he or she thinks. You don't have to take any meds if you don't want to, just get their opinions. They've seen a lot of people with problems, so they'll be use to that.

Also, if you go, you could go in depressed, and they might diagnose you as "depressive," because they don't see you in your manic state, if you have one, so you get miss-diagnosed.

Tell them about your wilder side, and ask them about any chances you might have mania, also. You might print out a list of symptoms for mania, check the ones you think you might have, then show them the list. Make them aware of that side, also.

These are all my opinions as a bipolar.

It's good that you are reaching out for help.

vkj
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 7/3/2017 11:04 PM (GMT -6)   
thanks Tim tam..i did try melatonin yesterday and was able to sleep ..feeling much better actually
the day before i had tried petril maybe that tablet itself gave me some weird thoughts

vkj
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 7/3/2017 11:11 PM (GMT -6)   
7 signs of mania
=========================
feeling overly happy or “high” for long periods of time-->No
having a decreased need for sleep==> No
talking very fast, often with racing thoughts==>No
feeling extremely restless or impulsive==> sometimes
becoming easily distracted==> sometimes
having overconfidence in your abilities==> No
engaging in risky behaviour, such as having impulsive sex, gambling with life savings, or going on big spending sprees==> no impulsive sex , No gambling i am very careful about my money ...sex yes online i have done things impulsively

7 signs of depression
==================================
feeling sad or hopeless for long periods of time ==> on and off not long periods
withdrawing from friends and family or losing interest in activities that you once enjoyed==> sometimes
having a significant change in appetite==> rarely
feeling severe fatigue or lack of energy==> sometimes
speaking slowly==> never
having problems with memory, concentration, and decision-making==> sometimes

these are my honest answers let me know what you guys feel

vkj
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 7/4/2017 8:22 PM (GMT -6)   
any thoughts?...the day before i slept by taking melatonin ...i was much better ...yesterday i drank chamomile tea as suggested by u SC ...not sure if that's the effect by i slept yesterday night ...decent enuff

Scaredy Cat
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 28116
   Posted 7/4/2017 11:47 PM (GMT -6)   
V.,

If you are concerned about the possibility of bi-polar, you will have to get a dx from a doctor...

...but I would not be surprised to hear that your insomnia is simply stressed related.

I am glad the two suggestions helped a bit...may that continue to bring you relief!

Keep up with your coping skills as well. smile

S.C.
Moderator:Anxiety/Panic

"Courage is not the abscence of fear, it is feeling afraid and doing it anyway!"

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles...it empties today of its strength."
Corrie Ten Boom

Panic Syndrome recovery due to CBT

vkj
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2017
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 7/5/2017 12:31 PM (GMT -6)   
i still get straight poker faced replies whenever i ask her anything...not sure how to break this

Tim Tam
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Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1256
   Posted 7/5/2017 2:33 PM (GMT -6)   
And you have a 15-year-old daughter, I just re-read in one of your posts.

My son was, 13, when it all spilled out. He was 3 1/2 when I first learned someone was going no. I went through that for 29 years. I stayed for the kid and for myself and for the house.

You said, "We have our own house and unfortunately we had booked another home last year ..at that time she didnt bring out any such statements or behaviour ...im so confused and anxious why suddenly so much hate and that too even 3 weeks after the outbursts."

So, you own a house, and have a teen-age daughter, and you "booked another home last year." Does that mean, you bought a second house?

That's was basically my situation. In my case, add, couldn't hold a job, so couldn't afford to move out. Couldn't afford to rent a $500 to $700 a month apartment, when I couldn't keep a job, and it was better to stay in a low mortgage home that would one day be paid for.

Plus, I wasn't going to let her kick me out of my own house, when she was the one who had messed up. And I paid for it. I was going to pay for it either way, she saw to that.

You said, her "outbursts." Yeah, I've been there.

In my case, she was the one who felt entitled, entitled to have probably 2,000 episodes of outside the marriage sex. And soon as she got caught, she was going to just kick me out or give me hard time in my own house. And, keep having the affairs to boot.

So, it looks like in your case, you might be the one who feels entitled to outside sex. And now with her pictures sent to someone, it seems to have hacked her off.

Have you looked at your part in this? What do you see?
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