Please help! I love her so much

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New Member

Date Joined Sep 2017
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 9/30/2017 11:46 AM (GMT -7)   
okay, I have a girlfriend of 10 months. I have been in two relationships 17 years and 9 years. I love this woman more than I have ever loved anyone. It's a dynamic and unexplainable.
She is diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and takes klonapin daily. Along with this, she has a heart condition( takes 3 meds for).
We started out as exclusively friends for 2 months. I wanted nothing to do with her romantically.
As a health professional, during our times of friendship, I shared my concerns of her smoking, drinking nothing but sodas, inactivity, and drinking alcohol until shes blacked out on meds. IN this time, I shared that I wanted to help her get healthier with the things that she could change in hopes it would help many of her issues as her friend(I was not remotely attracted). she loved that and started working towards that.
a few months later, Our friendship evolved into a romantic relationship. she quit smoking. started exercising, eating better, drinking water, etc. The drinking too much was still an issue.
Our relationship was bliss with slight discussions( she calls fights) about WHY she shouldn't drink taking klonapin, beta blockers, blood thinners and ultimately Chantix.
We have a connection that many long for. She has always had issues with opening up sexually and affection wasn't her thing. For us, It was natural and she actually enjoyed it all of it and initiated it.
10 months rocked on and we were great(other than our "discussions" about health! I actually let her stay every night to see how we got along. I tried to educate her and tell her why it was important to do these lifestyle changes for her health, as well as her psyche.
In July, her grandfather passed away and she lost her 20 year best friend( due to living arrangements).
we had our issues because she started smoking again. Granted, I was upset and concerned for the longevity of her life, since I have a 4yo. But, I loved her nonetheless
all our conversations were from a scientific perspective and she would get upset and say" I know my body!" I tell her I don't want to wake up to her dead from drinking to oblivion on klonapin. Ultimately, she stated numerous time she knew all of it wascoming from a good place!"

We finally sat down in August and talked and she shared how that me being on her about smoking, etc was shutting her down. We made plans to come up with a medium ground and start doing things together(she only works, watches tv and sleeps) and make steps to help her health. With that, I would back off and just support her and just be a boyfriend. I got it and read about it. She knows I am doing my work to be the best I can be.
She would normally break up/divorce and run, but she is staying "with" me. We are just distant( in person) and live separately.
In September, she had planned a trip for us to go out of town with her sister to visit family. She invited me to go. as we approached the date, due to our "issues" with us, she sat me down to tell me that 1) I am basically uninvited on the trip and 2) she is moving out on Sunday( this was Thurs).
I was upset and took it personally. She said she needed to "regain her faculties" and some time apart and space. I was devastated by all of this at once. As we approached the date, she made efforts to affirm to me that I would eventually move in and that we will be ok, as she rented a 2 bedroom for my 4 year old. We were great together and no issues were brought up. She had affection and sex was still there. I knew she loved me, but was confuses why she done it this way. Iike a freight train .
I did tell her that I needed to clear my mind and get over HOW she did the split to work on us. I really felt she was leaving me.
The day of the trip, she affirmed we are going to be ok. I had decided to evacuate the same day for a hurricane, so I text her on the way and sent a song to her about us. On the trip, we checked in periodically and talked at night. some days I wouldnt text her until later in the morning. REmember, I am evacuated with my 4 yo son and my friends son, so we were very occupied. Again, I knew she wanted space so I didn't try to blow her up about missing her if she felt guilty about uninviting me, right?
Anyhow, once she gets back, she is cold as ice towards me. its been almost 3 weeks. she has little to say, distant, no affection, etc. She has indicated that she loves me, but she has to get her "head to match her heart?" When Im around, it's like pulling teeth to get her to talk, a hug or a kiss. However, we text all throughout the day(she loves me) and we talk at night( I have been staying at my place) for lengthy times.
I am really confused. I think she might be depressed along with the anxiety. She said a month so ago that she felt she might be. I asked her now and she says she isn't. She told me at one time she is numb and messed up in the head. She has no hobbies and few friends(one is her boss). She just lays around lately, watches tv( she says its to get out of her head)and smokes. we have had a few good conversations. I have been reading and trying to move forward and bring her to a "happy place" where we dont get into how she felt leading up to all of this and my response to the hurt of how it all was delivered.
Last night, she went out with her sister for "girls night." She got plastered( remember meds) and she and her sister got physical( her sister pushed her over a dispute about my ex wife). I came by this morning ,woke her up and told her I loved her. I asked if she wanted to do something out tonight with me and she said she didnt because she is so hung over( which she is).
can anyone ask the right question for me? Do you have any suggestions to get her out of this? am reading and trying to work around it. I am sorry if this is written well, but I threw it together.
Please help. We are really good together and I can help her. she doesn't want me to ,but she can't keep doing the same cycle.
Sorry so long.

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 292
   Posted 9/30/2017 8:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Honestly, it sounds like the two of you are going to need to seek counseling. This "cycle" will likely repeat itself. Whether or not you are willing to live like this, it's not healthy for your 4yo daughter. You are her role models. I wish you two the best in working things out.

Scaredy Cat
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 27087
   Posted 9/30/2017 8:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi JD,

I am sorry to hear of your relationship troubles. You seem like a very committed and sweet bf.

I am sorry to say that I don't see a lot of hope for this resolving. You can't make your gf happy...nor can you help her with her unhealthy lifestyle choices. Only she can do that, and it appears as if she is not moving in a positive direction.

We can't tell you what to do of course, but I do agree with KellyinCali above...that you do have a responsibility to your daughter to surround her with good role models.

You can of course be a good support as a friend...and encourage her to get the help that she needs...but ultimately it is her move to actually do the work.

I wish you both the best!

Scaredy Cat

"Courage is not the abscence of fear, it is feeling afraid and doing it anyway!"

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its empties today of its strength."
Corrie Ten Boom

Panic Syndrome recovery due to CBT

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20038
   Posted 10/2/2017 1:37 AM (GMT -7)   
it is possible that your concern with her health was deemed by your partner as excessive, and because of your knowledge it became a little overbearing? i agree your a good man, however over emphasis can create a type of discord as it can become somewhat of antagonist toxicity within the dynamics of a relationship. i only say this as we need to see the addictive element of nicotine and alcohol, and even with good intentions this discord becomes established as you know what she needs to do......but you are not her. sometimes this can come across as an antagonistic approach, thus hindering, and not helping. be her bf, not her parent or doctor. i say this with compassion and kindness.
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