Posted 5/28/2018 2:56 PM (GMT -7)
I am really struggling and hurting right now. I am posting this under anxiety/panic disorders because I had what I would call a panic attack over my issue last night (hyperventilating, nausea, crying for hours and then headache). Panic attacks are uncommon for me. The man I am in love with was told in January that the odds for having children are not in his favor due to childhood cancer. I want children and have always wanted children, but after a lot of crying, I decided to stay and just hope that if we stay together, we would either have kids or be able to adopt kids. But the infertility issue is hitting me again now (May) all of a sudden, filling me with a pressing anxiety and dismay with this relationship that I once thought was almost perfect. I love him so much and don't see infertility as a reason to leave someone, since fertility and kids are never guaranteed, but when I picture our future together, I now see uncertainty and pain. I see childlessness and/or poverty. I've researched adoption, but the process seems so difficult, uncertain, long, and expensive ($25,000-$50,000) especially since we are not going into high-paying jobs (I am a senior in college, in education). I'm so afraid of the future, and I'm afraid that staying with this man is saying yes to a future of suffering, suffering that our love might not be consolation for when I am middle aged and childless. For my religious folks, I am a passionate Catholic, and I used to feel certain I was called to this man. Now all I feel is fear, which I know is not from God, but it is weighing heavily on me. Please give me any advice or insight you have. If you were in this situation, what do you think you would do and why?