Posted 6/18/2018 12:12 PM (GMT -6)
Hi HW Family,
I haven't been around much- mostly because I'm getting married in two months and I've been able to pour myself totally into planning. A quick anxiety update: I'm still going to neurofeedback which is a great help with physical symptoms, and still taking about 60mg of Zoloft (down from 100mg) daily which has helped with a lot of the depression I was struggling with a few months ago when I was attempting to wean fully off the meds. I think I'm at a comfortable dose for now that I'll stay on until further notice.
A little background info: I moved out of my childhood home that I was renting from my mother after she moved out and decided to have an official renter move in about a year and a half ago. I moved to an apartment within 10 minutes, and had always told myself I'd be back. It was a house I wanted to raise my own kids in, come home and be a newlywed in, and spend my life in. It seems funny to have such a huge attachment to a home, but this house was nothing short of magic. It gave so many people a roof over their heads who didn't have one, was a vessel for beautiful memories, and, of course, difficult ones. It was a place I felt 100% comfortable and safe in. It was truly, the last place I felt safe in. My apartment has never felt like home or like a safe space, mostly because I always told myself I'd be back in my old house. It feels temporary. Long story short, my mom told me she put the house on the market because she doesn't want to own it anymore. She wants to be able to retire, and can only do so with the profit she makes from selling the house. This came from no where. It was like a stab to the heart. And to add to this, she told me that in order to not pay capital gains taxes, she has to buy another property and has offered to put a down payment, as a wedding gift, for my fiance and I on a house in Bend, Oregon (a town we absolutely love and adore and have considered strongly moving to for a period of time). Her offer is so generous, and it's something we've accepted in excitement and gratitude. My mom deserves to retire after working 70 hour weeks her entire life, and making my childhood and adolescence a beautiful thing as a single mom. But there's a part of me that is screaming on the inside to just pump the brakes, to take her house off the market and to just slow down. Everything is happening so fast, and I'm not good with rapid change. I'm not just grieving the loss of my home, but every dream I ever had of being back in it. I'm trying to figure out how to be excited about a new home, new town, and new start with managing my sadness about losing the only home and city I've ever known. It's such a complicated surge of emotions. There are good moments and bad moments. Excited moments, and moments where I can't stop crying. I want to focus on the excitement that is my wedding in exactly two months from today, but I can't without feeling sad about what comes after it.
Just venting, and I appreciate any and all of you who read this in its entirety.<3 <3 <3