Hello everyone, I’m new here! I stumbled upon another members post on google today after searching for some support on issues with vivid dreams and waking up with anxiety... it was very helpful but I’m glad I found this place because I have been struggling lately and could use the extra support.
4 years ago I stopped working and applied for disability. I broke my lower back at 13 but after 14 years ( I was 27) the injury had degenerated the condition of my lower spine and hips to the point I could barely stand upright for more than 10-15 mins without quite a lot of pain. Not being able to work and suffering with pain was too much for me then and I fell into a depression I couldn’t get out of. It felt like my life was over and I had no purpose or ability to find a new one. I was broken and could not be fixed.. literally.
I’ve always struggled with depression and anxiety but this time I really gave up. I made *self harm* in 2012 before I stopped working but recovered and went through inpatient/outpatient treatment.. this time though I had better tools. even though I was worse off than ever.... I knew there was a safe place I could go to get help.
I checked myself into a facility and ended up staying there several times over a couple years. I spent the first two years too depressed to function. I wouldn’t take care of myself or leave my room. I wouldn’t eat or use a telephone. I remember a lot of just laying in bed watching the sun go up and down and wishing I would just go to sleep and never wake up.
Fast forward to today and I really feel like I have been fighting for my life for years... but I am still here and I am so much stronger now. I have managed to improve well enough that I am even tapering off some old meds that I have been on since I was 19. (Paxil 40mg)
I have wanted off this evil drug for years and years but doctors kept telling me I needed to stay on it. Now I’m starting to think that Paxil may have contributed to the increase in my depression over the years. In fact, since I started taking it at 19 my depression went from mild and manageable to completely debilitating.
My psychiatrist and primary have been working with me to reduce the dose over the past year and a half by subsituting a different Ssri and I am now at 10mg Paxil / 20mg celexa from 40mg Paxil. Eventually I want off the celexa too but right now the Paxil withdraws are too much to bear. I get brain zaps on and off, especially during a new decrease... but the worst of the withdraw symptoms is the “Paxil Flu” and the anxiety.
It really feels like a flu everything aches and I am completely zapped of energy. It makes even simple tasks a feat. I have been so afraid of enduring that sort of effect and having to put my life on hold for weeks.. that I had my dr prescribe a liquid version of the Paxil so I can take a few mgs or so extra on days when the withdraws are worse.
Anyone who has taken Paxil for a long time or who knows the reputation Paxil has, knows that Paxil is an evil drug. That is why doctors do not use it as often anymore. Some people take years to wean off it and some people fail and never get off it. It is incredibly addictive. Mentally and physically.
As a chronic pain patient I know what it is like to withdraw from opioids. I will tell you Paxil is just as bad unless you taper SLOWLY!! I’ve tried cold turkey before and ended up in the hospital wanting to *self harm* or stuck in my house like I have the flu unable to get out of bed or stop the uncontrollable anxiety and panic.
Luckily this time we are doing it right and I am finally making progress. My depression as improved greatly since I started Strattera as well but since reducing the Paxil my progress has accelerated.
As for the chronic pain, I have finally found a combo of meds/doses that actually work for me and even though I still have pain every day, I am no longer afraid to leave my house and go grocery shopping or visiting friends. I used to be afraid to leave the house in fear that I might have increased pain while out somewhere and not be able to find a place to rest. I also was afraid people would judge me or get annoyed that I have to leave early.
It sucks. My life IS pain. It doesn’t matter if it is physical or emotional pain... I have it. I’m not trying to wallow or sound like I’m worse off than anyone else... I’m just trying to paint a picture here.
However, I have found so many reasons to live and continue fighting... it makes it worthwhile to endure... the only thing that I can’t seem to ever really accomplish is to get rid of it all at the same time... I can be in physical pain but not mental and in mental pain but not physical and I can be in both... but never can I just get a real break for a day and just feel good...
I think that is the most exhausting part... I know that I may never again feel truly good in all aspects physical and emotional... but I have to fight for my life every day just to make sure I don’t slip back into that hellish state of mind I was in before. I never want to go back there... it was literally hell feeling so depressed and hopeless every day.
I don’t want to go back there no matter what... but I also know I will never really truly be safe from that risk and I will never be able to recover from my chronic illnesses... (inoperable issues on back and mental illness that I’ve had all my life)
I could use all the support I can get because I never know when I might slip and start sliding back towards a more depressed and hopeless state. Especially while I juggle trying to get off Paxil and dealing with it’s withdraws. Once I get off the SSRIs I can really see which areas I need to work on and which ones I need meds for. Until then, I just gotta get through these withdraws...
Who knew a med prescribed for anxiety could cause you more anxiety than you ever had before when you try to get off it.
***reason for edit*** Just changed some wording to soften the S ideation, to keep post within our rules.
Post Edited By Moderator (Scaredy Cat) : 1/30/2019 11:36:59 AM (GMT-7)