I had been anxiety free for 3 weeks, which was a record. Now I know it was naïve of me to think that I'd conquered panic disorder because as everybody says 'it can't be cured but it can be managed' but I really was starting to feel like my old anxiety free self again- I was even at the point where I stopped dreading bed time and could actually sleep.
I'd been eating and sleeping well and couldn't have been in a happier place especially as I was finally feeling like me again and I was meeting a friend of mine yesterday. We were deep in the middle of a conversation (about
an old school friend) when the panic hit me like a bolt of lightening, I felt the familiar intense fear flooding over my body and struggled to breath, it felt all over the place, my ears started to ring and my palms sweated. One voice was screaming at me to tell my friend I was about
to die and the other was saying just stay in the conversation else she's literally going to think you are a lunatic. I tried to listen to my therapists techniques but it happened so fast and I felt like I'd forgot how to do my breathing excercises all together. In the end I managed to keep it from her and felt fine after, but it came over me for no reason. I slept badly that night with sleep starts, tremors and nightmares for the first time in 3 weeks.
I know most people say don't dwell on why you get panic and reasons but I just feel very disheartened as I was starting to really make progress and for no reason at all it's just flooded back. I'm sad that I thought that I was starting to gain control and feel relaxed; hearing one good voice in my head and no battles with myself. It seems there are no patterns, trends or algorythms as to why, where or how my panic happen, it just came as a big fat reminder that it can't be controlled
Everybody suffers from some kind of anxiety but not many people understand that I get it for no reason and the few people I tell try to understand by linking it to their anxiety which is most probably just worrying and then think i'm just a worrier; I know this because this was how I used to view anxiety- I could never imagine people were plagued with such fear and panic especially for no reason- which is why I write to you guys because as caring as people around me are, you understand more. When panic comes over me it feels almost like I've fallen into the upside down in The stranger things and life is the scariest thing in the world.
Can I control it or does it control me?