Posted 11/9/2020 9:51 PM (GMT -7)
I have done therapy a few times. But all the digging up of past experiences caused so much more pain it caused me to stop.
I actually began calling counselors this morning to begin again.
I’m am aware of the root of my phobia of the heart.
It began with my first anxiety attack. 14 years ago. I thought I was having a heart attack. (Like most people).
It then turned into social anxiety and agoraphobia. THE FEAR OF FEAR.
Anything that caused me to become anxious immediately sent me into horrific panic attacks which in turn caused me to think I was having a heart attack. So the fear has always been there.
BUT THE ROOT THESE DAYS, came from having my daughter. 4 years ago. I had an amazing pregnancy. No blood pressure issues. Nothing.
But as I was induced, this fear of actually having a child set in. Reality set in. My blood pressure sky rocketed to stoke/ heart attack level. I’ve always had a fear of dying giving birth, because my mom almost died having me. After my daughter was birthed, my blood pressure levels and hormone levels were out of Wack. I almost had heart attacks and strokes due to the high blood pressure attacks. I was in and out of the hospital. And add anxiety attacks to the mixture. It was a longggggg first year. Things settled down and I was back to normal. But I began having PTSD attacks due to the traumatic events during childbirth. And on top of all that, this year has literally been hell on wheels. Everyday stress, relationship issues, the pandemic, my daughter is turning 4. I’m very emotionally and physically hyperventilate. I’ve been through so much in my short life. (I’m 28). But I do know in order to heal from this I must desensitize every trigger until there is none left. I’m actually very aware of everything lol. It’s a curse and a blessing. Sorry for the rant. I just wanted to give insight.