Proactive- I hope you find what is making your thoughts muddy. I have not noticed this with Lexapro- and neither did my husband.
I've read Lyn's story and it frightens me. It's true- people seem to have to hit the bottom to make real change. I haven't hit yet- but I see it coming. I am beginning to see problems in my marriage as my husband is a recovering alcoholic and is (with justification) upset at the fact that I effectively "check out" every evening- often leaving him to put the kids to bed. I am a homebody and I relate to Lyn's sense of dual identities. Only those in my close circle have any idea of what I am doing to myself- and those clerks at the store where I buy about 2 liters of vodka a week. I also have alternated shopping in different locations to avoid being "discovered." I drink, pass out, and am early to work each morning. I've somehow learned how to drink without getting a hangover- or maybe I just don't remember what it feels like to not be hungover. From the outside- we look like the perfect family. In fact- my family is beautiful- I'm the one with the ugly secret.
Back to the topic at hand- I am hoping now that I am back on Lexapro- (had to stop because I didn't have insurance but I do now) that I will be able to deal with life and my anxiety better. One of the reasons I knew I had to get back on Lexapro was because I really want to try to get control of my life and knock off this nonsense with my drinking. I would say get BACK control of my life- but I've never had it. I've surrended control of my life over and over- through an eating disorder, abusive relationships, and substances MUCH worse than alcohol.
I am glad I found this forum. I am afraid to go to AA because I live in a pretty small town and I worry about being found out and failing. I would have no shame in being a recovering alcoholic- I just worry about relapse and how disappointed my husband, mom, best-friend and (terribly) ten year old daughter would be (all have begged me to stop doing this to myself) if I failed. This has been a good step though. In some ways reading other's experiences and Lyn's posting has made me feel a little more brave and a little less alone.
Proactive- I hear you when you say you've stayed sober, but not without thinking about alcohol. So many times I've tried to quit and I hate myself because I become so irritable to everyone around me because all I can think about is how badly I want a drink. I am a pleasant alcoholic- when I am awake- which usually isn't long once I start drinking.
Thanks for the comments- gook luck.