My neuro decided he doen't want me to take the Xanax at night anymore and perscribed me Restoril. I hate it. I causes leg cramps and charlie horses from the groin area down to my ankles. I have been trying yo reach him for 3 days now to see if there is something else we can try. I'm not sleeping well. I call my pharmacy and they say that they haven't seen anything come through. I call my neuro and beg for the nurse to get him to change it. Nothing yet. It's now Friday morning, early. I called and left him a message again. I hope he responds. Oh by the way, the restoril keeps me up. As an alternative until I here from him, I've been taking the xanax he told me not to take at night. I've also been taking triple and quadruple the Restoril dosage. I've also been taking my Esgic Plus, which is a migraine narcotic. I've GOT to get some sleep, quality sleep. I'm so tired and depressed and that turns into anxiety/panic. I had a really bad panic attack while I was driving a couple of weeks ago. I had my hubby and two step kids in the car. I had to pull over and couldn't stop crying. I felt that it was for no reason at all. Just out of the blue.
However, there are a lot of financial, ex-wife(Hagatha), and dealing with an 11, almost 12 yr old girl and an almost 11 year old boy, who has Prader Willi Syndrome and can be extremely difficult sometimes. It's a chromasomal disorder, kinda along the lines of downs but not. I'm in school full time. I have no job. I feel useless, worthless and that everyone just puts up with me because they have to. I know this is due to some of my past relationships, but how do I get past it? I've an appt with a counselor on Monday. I pray that she can helpme. I'm almost at the end of my rope.
I have no childrenn of my own. I had a total hyster in 1997. Does this still make me a woman? I can't do what we were meant to do and what I want to have. I see mothers treat their children so poorly, like Hagatha. They are just a pay check to her. Or I hear two women in the grocery line and one is pregnant. Here's the conversation, "do you know what it is yet.? No, but I hope it's a girl this time. I'm tired of all boys. What happened to accept what you get? What happened to you are lucky enough to have them at all? And then my thought turn to things like,"You ungrateful hag. I'd take it in a minute, no matter the sex or the health problems. That is your child, no matter what. I have 2 nephews who are my saving grace. one is a smary pants 18 yr old and the other is an 8 yr old autisic (Aspberger Syndrome). I've helped raise them both since they were babies. I feel like they are my own. But having my very own is different. Maybe I was put here to help them along with their trials and obsticles they face. Maybe that's my role. Also, I do love hubby's kids. They are very cute. I'm just having a hard time bonding with them. I had two WONDERFUL step boys from my first marriage who are now 24 and 20. I love them to pieces, but can't get them to keep in touch,. I guess it's a teenage boy thing.
Luckily, (counting my blessings) I have a great husband who supports me in everything I do, I have a very close relationship with my parents and sisters, I also have my Timmie (cockatiel). He is so much fun. He stays up with me all night when I'm ill, just sits on my shoulder and snuggles. He is my baby. He is definately a mama's bird. I couldn't love him any more if I tried.
I just nede to get all this out. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so very tired. Any advise at all? Am I doing what you all think I should be? Please tell me. I'm very open to suggestions. Anything at all?
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
DX: ankylosing spondylitis, periferal neuropathy, chronic migraines/headaches, depression/panic attacks, hypothyroidism, hypoglycemia, orthostatic hypotension, sleep apnea
RX: synthroid, estradiol, lexapro, xanax, proamatine, inderal la, neurontin, torfanil pm, celebrex, aspirin, relpax, phenergan, esgic plus
Surgeries: hysterectomy 1997, tonsillectomy 2001, deviated septum 2005, cataracts (both eyes) 2006