Well what a horrible weekend I've had.
Starting with Friday night and the overwhelming anxiety, I spoke to the crisis team and then my pdoc (who I honestly don't think remembers my case).
Saturday I was on valium 2.5mg 4 hourly and it was only taking the edge off the anxiety, today i was on 5mg per 4 hourly valium and was still a mess. The endless self talk about
how I'm crasy I'm alone I'm sick I'm stupid etc.
It makes me upset for 2 reasons, the first obviously feeling like I'm losing it the second being I was trying to hide the tears and spinouts from the kids.
When my oldest was only 3yrs old and I had PND as soon as the tears started she'd be "It's time to take mummy to hospital again".
My kids shouldn't have to deal with it, I shouldn't have to deal with it.
I'm so angry now, I thought I'd found a good doctor who was going to help me yet I haven't seen her in a month with no appointment still available and all she's put me through. Maybe she doesn't consider it a big deal stopping a med at 200mg daily after well over 6 years and leaving the person to cope alone but I sure do. Obviously the new med isn't working whether it needs to be upped to a higher level or whether it's just not working for me at all I don't know. That's what the doctors meant to be there for.
I'm going to ring in the morning and see if they'll have an appointment available if not I don't even want to think about
my choices. Money talks and we don't have any so I guess if I have to go and pack a picnic lunch and camp at the local hospital until someone sees me I will.
I saw a few people I knew today and I couldn't do more then say hello as I knew if I stopped to chat I'd just burst out blubbering everywhere. There's still such a stigma attached and as we live in a realitively small community I'm not ready for the world to know yet.
Sorry for the rant, please just wish me well that I get someones attention and some help in the morning.