Posted 10/10/2006 2:58 AM (GMT -6)
I was ok with it for the first few hours I was home, but now all I am is very very frightened. I learned that I'm bi-polar, along with what she called severe depression and severe anxiety. I have an aunt who is bi-polar and my great grandmother was bi-polar. I don't remember my great grandma, but my aunt is a totally different story. She used to be so much fun to be around. She'd come visit me at the hotel I worked for at the time and take me to lunch and we'd talk for hours. Then all of a sudden she became noncompliant with her meds and flipped out. She has a lot of money and many years ago she set up trust funds for me and my three sisters. I thought this was very generous and told her thank you so much but she didn't have to do that, I just wanted her in my life. She said no, she felt we needed to be taken care of and since she has no children that she wanted it to go to us. I sent her a christmas card one year and she called my dad and yelled at him, saying we were all just after her money, no warning at all. She had a bunch of things that my grandparents had given to her over the years and she packed it all up and threw it all in their driveway. She sent my dad all of her pictures, family photos. She disowned all of us with no explaination. I was very upset. This bickering went on for years. It came between a lot af family relationships. My grandpa died in August and my dad made arrangements for her to see him alone. She told the mortuary guy that we were the ones who disowned her and everything was our fault. We hated her. None of this is true. I feel so bad for her. We had my grandpa cremated and she tried to talk the coroner into giving her some of the ashes against my grandma's wishes. She is extremely manipulative.
As we were preparing my grandpa's obituary, we found out that not only was my great grandmother bi-polar but she suffered from severe depression and anxiety and from severe migraines. My other aunt on my dad's side gets these same migraines. So I guess I'm genetically predisposed to all of this crap on top of family history of arthritis, fibromyalgia, low blood pressure etc.
I guess my real fear is I don't want to end up like my aunt, so full of hate and spite that it consumes her. I sometimes feel myself getting there with regards to certain people, my husband's ex-wife is a prime example. Sometimes I get myself in real trouble by mouthing off to the wrong person. I've yelled at cops, judges, court clerks, lawyers, you name it. The reasons for these run in are very long and complicated, let's just say it has to do with hubby's ex. I hate her.
I'm making an appt with my PCP to see if he can put me on something for bi-polar. If he's not comfortable with it, there is a nurse practitioner who specialized in this area that practices there with the counselors. I'd make an appt with him.
I'm really scared. It's 2am and I'm still up. I was up until 5:30am yesterday, I don't know why. Does anyone have any advise for me? Am I taking the right route with this? My hubby already worries about me and now I've added something else for him to stew about. I'm causing problems no matter what I do or where I go. I feel alone, useless and worthless. I'm a financial strain on my family. I'm an emotional strain on my family. Don't know what to do next. I'm the type that wants answers right now. I'm very impatient and it's making my anxiety worse to have to wait on the docs and the couselors etc.
Thanks for letting me vent guys. I appreciate every one of you.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
DX: ankylosing spondylitis, periferal neuropathy, chronic migraines/headaches, depression/panic attacks, hypothyroidism, hypoglycemia, orthostatic hypotension, sleep apnea
RX: synthroid, estradiol, lexapro, xanax, proamatine, inderal la, neurontin, torfanil pm, celebrex, aspirin, relpax, phenergan, esgic plus
Surgeries: hysterectomy 1997, tonsillectomy 2001, deviated septum 2005, cataracts (both eyes) 2006