lost my self and scared of everything...

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/3/2006 12:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone.  Well, I gotten through the darkest days (suicidal thoughts) but now, I have to face life and the clock is ticking, ticking, ticking.  I have been through a really rough year with two episodes of major depression after my husband walking out on me with an email after only 4 months.  I have chronic migraine too and have spent the last year going to every kind of doctor under the sun and I can't get a handle on the migraines and am scared to death to go back to work under the flourescent lights and the pressures of the corporate world.  Well, the deadline looms.  My State disability runs out in less than 30 days and I have just begun my job search.  I am severely anxious.  No panic attacks, just constant anxiety with crying and depression too.  I have lost my self esteem.  I feel out of touch from the real world.  I am scared to death that I won't find a job that pays my bills.  I am 100 % self-supporting (I don't have family to lean on even when the chips are down) and I have to get a fairly good paying job to keep a roof over my head.  As soon as I get a job I will have to turn around and move (again - just moved 3 months ago) because I can't afford the overhead as it is.  I worry about EVERYTHING.  I have no financial reserves and I worry about how I'm going to break my lease and get out of here w/o paying overlap and deposit, I'm worried that I won't find a good paying job and even with a roommate I will still have financial problems.  I'm just really, really, scared.  If the deadline wasn't looming, I would just hide under the covers.  I'm so anxious and scared.  Just wanted to let you all know what was going on with me and hopefully hear from a few caring people.
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 933
   Posted 11/3/2006 1:28 AM (GMT -7)   
*hugs* aaaw hon, I'm so sorry.  I hope things get better for you.  I know the job search sucks, as I had to do it as well after not working for a bit.
I'm here for you and I hope things get better.
Be strong! 
"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars."

DX: Panic Disorder, Depression, TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint Disorder), Chronic Migraines
RX: Ativan/Lorazapam (1 MG a day), Lexapro (15 MG a day), Tylonel for the TMJ and Migraines

Elite Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 11/3/2006 1:29 AM (GMT -7)   
Hn you said yourself "you have come thru " dark days and now you are being tested once again
I truly believe all will work out for you
You are a warm giving and caring soul that will and should get a break for a change
Hold your head high and try to do your best thats all you can do thats all anyone can do and I know you wil find you way I really do
You have helped so many here and please know we are here for you right now in your time of meed
You take care and God Bless
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         Don't Comprimise Yourself :you are all you have    
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Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 11/3/2006 4:59 AM (GMT -7)   
You are a hero to me for making it this far! Things will get better, just keep up the fight.
Was on Zoloft for ten years. Tried to go natural for 7 months. Didn't work. Now I have started Lexapro and Klonopin. Diagnosis: Depersonalization/Derealization, Panic, GAD, mild-OCD, mild-Depression.

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 248
   Posted 11/3/2006 6:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Many hugs Hopeful. I'm in about the same boat as you. I'm in constant worry about my husbands job and to much debt. It's never ending. I do hope you find a job that you are happy with, just keep on going. Keep on trying.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 789
   Posted 11/3/2006 8:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Honey I'm so sorry this has all been put on your shoulders. I know deep down there is a strong women in there and you will get thru this. You have already proven how strong you really are by getting this far.
Try not to focus to much on hubby leaving it might be one of the best things that has ever happed to you...the future is all yours and there are some very careing, loving and supportive men out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Hope you get to feeling better soon and good luck on your job searching the right job is out there waiting for you.
I have an illness, My illness don't have me.


Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 11/3/2006 4:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey brave lady...I know things look bleak right now..but you are gonna come though this just fine..as my daughter always says to me.."Aww mum - have faith!" (which can be kinda irritating sometimes but she is generally right lol)
Do you have friends out there in the workplace that can ask around about jobs coming up etc? Do you have such a thing as 'work brokers' over there that can do the job searching for you? Just a couple of suggestions..anyhow I wish you well...remember this is your chance to reinvent yourself - you are now a single woman on a mission ie. to change your life for the better...kinda puts you in a powerful position really eh?

Take good care.

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 11/3/2006 5:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Awww bless your heart. I totally agree with Maree though. This IS a chance for you to change your life for the better - see it as an opportunity. I know how scary it is (it is good to hear you're not having pa's) as I just went through the whole moving thing and job hunt. I constantly doubt my self worth too, but it seems that everytime I do make a change my world gets a little bit brighter. I will be praying for you - and like Marees lil one says... 'Have FAITH!' You're gonna make it and be so much better for your fight. God bless... Idie

Now that we're here, so far away,
All the struggle we thought was in vain.
All the mistakes one life can take,
They all finally start to go away.
Now that we're here, so far away,
And I feel like I can face the day.
I can't believe that I'm not ashamed,
To be the person that I am today.  

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/3/2006 7:25 PM (GMT -7)   
 Wow -- thank you everyone who responded.  Cyber hugs to all of you.  It was an awesome feeling to come home to so much compassion and encouragement.  I found Healing Well while doing my endless searches on migraine pain.  It wasn't long before I found my "home" in the anxiety & depression forums (anxiety folks are the most active - really have a great group here!).  God works in mysterious ways and He knew that I was hurting deeply and searching for answers.  I'm not a blogger or instant messager so I never knew this was out there.  So glad I found all of you.  I'm on YOUR SIDE as well.
God bless.
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."

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