This is BlueEye's partner. The reason I did not post about this myself first is that I didn't feel like it at the moment (not that I didn't want a post written at all, I just didn't want to do it myself lol). Plus, he wanted to help (that should be the first clue to the great guy that he is!).
I feel I am ready for sex and I do want it with him. I am not saving myself. We think this is beyond a "not ready" sort of thing and even a physical thing (i.e. the fact that being a virgin makes it physically more difficult - although that is an issue it's not the main one), especially since a large part of the problem is overwhelming performance anxiety. Sure, circumstance has influenced this (I have not had lots of experience of any sort with the opposite sex...this bf was my first kiss at the age of 22), but we all know that that does not mean the circumstance isn't just amplifying an anxiety problem that is there. I have not been diagnosed with anything but I have a university education in psychology and even without that I'm sure I'd have noticed something was up. That has been the case for my entire life as far back as I can remember, and my mother tells me I was an anxious baby/toddler as well. I often feel a general uneasiness, I have a very hard time admitting things I don't know to people and learning them in front of them because it's a constant reminder that I am not normal....people zoom in on the fact that this is something I am just learning and scrutinize the details of my actions. I feel that my mother may have played a roll in the development of these feelings (though I don't "blame" her for all of this) because she was impatient with me, scrutinized my attempts to learn things, took them away from me and did them her own "right" way instead, and constantly pointed out what I did not know. How I managed all the learning that 20 years of being a student required, I don't know lol. Different type of thing I guess. At this point I am waiting to get my healthcard (I just moved) and will try to see a psychiatrist once I do. For the moment, I will be attending a support group (starting on the 15th).
Sure, I agree my partner has to be patient etc. and maybe I am not ready at this exact moment - meaning, I need to work on this anxiety - BUT, how I am feeling is not due to the fact that I just do not want sex at all/with him in the near future if possible. My partner is a man lol, so that does mean there are moments he comes across as pushy, but I think he is aware of my wants and needs underneath it all. He certainly is incredibly caring and supportive, and there is no lack of affection of other forms....I'm sure we hug enough for the entire world! :P He does try to let me lead, but since I can barely do anything, things just come to a halt. He is just frustrated, concerned, and unsure of what to do....as am I. As someone with bipolar depression, he isn't a stranger to mental issues, but it's that doesn't make it less difficult.
Oh, and to the person who asked how long we've been dating....a little under a year (January of last year).