Right now I'm having a real tough go of it, and assume it to be a panic attack. Unfortunately there are no friends or relatives I can call right now because they're all stuck in the rush hour or otherwise unavailable.
I'm really freaking out.
I've been going to this hospital for stomach problems, and it's about seventy miles away. This morning I had a test there...a "glucose breath test". I was under the assumption that it would only take a few minutes, afterwhich I could turn around and drive right back to work and take care of some business. When I get there, however, not only am I informed that the test would take two hours, I'd also have to drink this stuff that could possibly make me sick. I called and canceled my first morning appointment at work, and proceeded to drink the stuff. I'd only gotten through about 1/4 of it before I started feeling ill. I'm pretty sure that was all in my head, but nonetheless I just told them I couldn't do it and walked out. Then the drive home was awful. I was very sick and had to drive a pretty good stretch of very busy interstate all the way back to my office.
When I finally did get to my office, everything was going to hell. I don't know why, but today was just a day that things were going to go wrong. I took care of the most immediate things and left for home because I didn't want to deal with the stress, but still intended to take some meetings downtown this afternoon.
There was an accident on the freeway and it took me an hour and a half to make it the eleven miles back to my apartment. My stomach had started to feel better, luckily, because I was trapped in a traffic jam with absolutely no viable off-ramps, just waiting for things to start moving.
This is a lot more than you'll want to know, but by the time I got to my place I needed to go to the little boys' room pretty bad. I commence to do just that, and what happens next? Toilet is stopped up. Of all days, why today? Why right then? I have no idea...it had never stopped up before. I live in a neighborhood that has shunned every big box retailer that tries to move in, but the big boxes north of town have driven all the hardware stores around here out of business. I had to drive miles and miles just to get a plunger.
All during this time I'm fielding cell phone calls from work. What to do about this? What to do about that? Will you be able to take care of this from home? Etcetera, etcetera. I finally get the plumbing straightened out, but it's too late to get any work done so I just put everything on the back burner for tomorrow.
I've been chilling out for about an hour and half. A few minutes ago I was reading a blog about baseball -- feeling no stress whatsoever -- and suddenly I get sick as a dog. This is especially frustrating because I'd been under control when it comes to these stomach/panic attacks for a pretty good while now. I felt bad for about thirty minutes on either Saturday or Sunday, but other than that things have been going really well. Now I'm frustrated and it's making me worse.
The writing helps. I'm not back all the way, but I'm better than when I started.
I'm frustrated that I didn't even begin the medical test this morning. They think my problem is anxiety, but want to rule out problems with my stomach just to be sure. I had another test scheduled for Thursday in which I need to drink a bunch of barium (whatever that is), but due in part to the crises at work and also because I'm just tired of everything, I called and canceled it. BS.
Anyway, I have no idea why I'm feeling bad right now, and it's making me mad. I'm new to anxiety and don't yet have a handle on how it works. Could it be that the stress I encountered earlier is caused a panic attack hours later when I was just sitting around not worrying about anything???
I don't imagine many people will read through this whole post, but if you do, God bless you.