Hi all -
I'm new to this board and could really use your help. I'm trying to come to grips with having anxiety - I went home for Thanskgiving and was only able to stay strong for the first 12 hours or so. By stay strong I mean speak my mind without insulting anyone while being true to myself. I have a tendency to fall into an automatic "must please everyone mode" when dealing with practically anyone, but especially when dealing with my mom, cause if I don't the first thing she'll do is lay a guilt trip on me, and then if I still don't comply she goes right for the jugular with something like "All I want is for our family traditions to be passed on."
To explain, I am a 32 year old single female who has never married has no children and is not dating anyone right now. (I'm attractive, slender, and smart, and I work in a male dominated field, but I don't feel comfortable dating guys I work with and I no longer do the bar scene, so it's kinda hard to met guys.) It's been a huge point of contention with my mom, since as soon as I turned 16 she's been saying: "I want grandkids, when am I gonna get grandkids!" She has it all planned out for me, she wants four red haired, green eyed little boys for me and 4 blonde haired, blued eyes little girls for my brother. Supposedly to punish us for what terrible children we were.
I just can't take it anymore and I do not want to spend Christmas going through this again. I mean by all other indicators I have a great life - I have a Master's degree, a great career in my field of choice, full benefits. I have a wonderful apartment, a nice car, and a few good friends. (I recently moved here, so I would like to find more people in the area to hang out with, I'm starting to reach out and join clubs and things, but I've also been very busy at work.) It just seems that until I get married and have kids my life is pointless to them. But, I don't see it that way, especially since when I do go home all I see is everyone else's unhappiness. None of my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, or my parents are in what I would consider a "loving relationship". To me, it seems as though they have all gotten to a point where they just tolerate each other. And that is not something I am willing to compromise on, especially when we are considering the rest of my life.
I've been engaged twice, but neither worked out and now I'd much rather be alone than in a relationship that I don't want to be in. Maybe I'm just picky or maybe I have really high standards, but I do believe there is someone out there for me, I just haven't found him yet.
I didn't mean for this to get so long, but I guess I needed to vent more than anything.
Thanks for listening and if anyone has any ideas of how to keep the anxiety at bay while dealing with stressful situations and still staying true to yourself without offending anyone I'm all ears!
Thanks in advance!