Posted 12/13/2006 3:17 PM (GMT -6)
I don't know where the line between irrational and rational are for fears,but mine are in the deep end of irrational. Infact some are obsessional fears that come back to haunt me every now and again,just when i think im going to relax. Today's been total stress and anxiety from the moment i woke up.
I was on the bus reading the metro and the first page was about this 'ripper' which is a guy who has been sleeping with,and killing prostitutes in ipswich. I decided to read the article,all though the thought of it provoked a small amount of anxiety. One of the doctors investigating it said 'the mans lack of sexual relations led him to do this' and i instantly managed to have an anxiety attack,because i've never had a sexual relationships and i thought that i could become capable of doing that when i'm older. It's unbelievably frightening to put my mind through that,it's almost as if i have done it already,that's how bad the anxiety gets.
One of the ones that always comes back to haunt me is Mark Chapman-i saw a documentry on how he killed john lennon. It showed you things which had happened in his childhood and i saw things in common-more with his teenage years,and i now think i am a loser like him and i am going to become a murderer-how irrational is that?
The worries go so deep and so irrational,it is byond one's comprehension how daft they get,but my mind set's it's fate round these worries which leaves me doomed to depression and failure. I'm also a hypochondriact in the sense that i worry that i have mental illnesses constantly without being diagnosed,at the moment i'm convinced i suffer from bipolar,but no doctor has diagnosed me.
I have far more irrational worries,the worry of being gay,the worry of having a feminine mind,i'm getting frightened of fear itself now. It's all so tiring and frightening,i've tried cbt,medications,writing a journal,psychologists,psychiatrists,keeping diaries,travelling the world,meditating...i'm left asking myself a lot of the time...what must i do? I am isolated behind an evergrowing barrier of self obsession and i'm continuinally struggling,how long can someone stay drunk on fear?