Thank you, everyone for your support. Gia, it sounds like some of you have had to some of the things that I'm terrified to do. I can't bear that it will come to that. I'm scared. I'm hurting. I can't stand the loss after loss and worst of all, I don't have a home to go to. I don't even know where to start. I have a number for a person who works in Social Services whom I will call tomorrow. I'm frustrated with my church. You'd think that they would have someone who could help me - give me some direction. I keep asking God "what do you want me to do?" I keep doing the work and the doors are not opening. I check in with my agencies. I followed up on a job referral and I have an appt. tomorrow to do some computer testing. 5 tests. One of the tests is a database program that I do not know at all. I feel like they are asking for the moon these days. In the old days you needed to be the Executive/Manager right hand person and do some word processing and spreadsheet. Now, they want you to be proficient at 10 software programs.
I also pursued every roommate lead/ad that I could. I found a girl from a church who was interested. I found a place that had a special $1000.00 off of the first month rent. I did the numbers. I called her. You can't find a better deal than what I found (in my County) and she called today and told me that she is just too stressed out to move now. She has a job and lives at home and she is stressed out. Why does God give me so much to handle? I am stressed out too. My neck is BAD, my body is weary, I suffer with migraines. I am depressed and extremely anxious and yes, sometimes my mind feels like I have ADD but maybe anybody would feel like this if they had so many things to face and so much input coming from everywhere.
I just want to curl up and stop living. I know that I can't do that but I am so scared of facing all of this. I am only capable of facing so much. This has been going on for so long. I have never had a good life but I always had hope. Then I got married (May 2005) and 4 months later my husband left me an email that he did not want to be married anymore. He went home to his Mother. I think that he is gay and thought that being a Christian and marrying a Christian woman that God was going to make him straight. He told me that he was dissapointed in God but never told me why. Even my therapist said "I wonder what he meant by that." I am over him, finally, but they say the best revenge is living well and all I can tell you is that I have went downhill ever since. I am my lowest of lows. I'm losing everything one right after another.
I have a temp job starting on the 3rd that will last 1 1/2 weeks. The hardest part is that I do not know where to go to live.
Does anybody live in California, USA? Does anybody know what agencies I might contact? Do I have to be homeless before they will help me? I would rather live in a van with my dog than to be separated from him. I know that I will have to do whatever is necessary but it is so painful to live.
Thank you for listening and sorry that I am not there for all of you more at this time.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."