Hi all, I haven't posted here in a long time. My last posts were about
my fairly new developments with anxiety during the summer and experimenting with two different meds my doctor prescribed (lexapro and effexor).
I was terribly afraid of going back to school (my last semester of college) and I didn't think the medicine would help. Rather than take it, I sought help through a psychologist and eventually the fears of going to class went away. As a result, I graduated and I have something positive to look forward to.
However, during this time, I began to notice some other problems. My girlfriend and I have been extremely close the past 5 months because the majority of my friends moved away last year (when I was supposed to graduate, before the anxiety took over). I felt that she was always there for me and never judged me for my problem. She has issues of her own stemming from childhood when her mother abandoned her and family alcohol issues.
Over the summer she had an interest in another guy she worked with. We weren't getting along at the time and I felt that she just needed the attention of someone because of her dependency. Well, despite how much she said she loved me, she went out one night when she was mad (we had broken up at this point) and made some bad decisions because her judgment was impaired by alcohol. When I found out about
it she denied it because she wanted to stay with me. As much as it hurt, I wanted to stay with her because I loved her and felt like I needed her. I felt that my anxiety wasn't really controlled without a stable constant in my life.
I am a very mistrusting person due to past relationships of being cheated on, lied to, and my father cheating on my mom and telling me to lie to her about
it. The situation over the summer didn't help.
To fast forward, I can't get past these things. Whenever my girlfriend and I get into a fight, I always bring up events from the summertime, which I know is unfair to her. When we are together, I couldn't ask for anything more because things are generally good and we are both happy. But whenever she wants to go out with friends, I get really anxious and mistrusting. I trust her as a person, but not when she drinks. She said she would go to a therapist, but stopped going. She stopped taking an SSRI that was prescribed because she didn't like the side effects.
The most recent argument came after new years eve when she blacked out for a few hours from drinking hard alcohol. I wasn't with her but we talked at midnight and I called her when I was going to bed. The next day, she said she didn't even remember talking to me the second time. I felt so sick and wondered how I could even trust her ever again. I couldn't help but think about
what could've happened with her even though she asserts that nothing did. I'm not worried about
her loving me or wanting to be with me (she has hinted at being with me for a VERY long time), but I am worried about
her alcohol problems.
Something tells me deep down that it doesn't feel right to stay with her. But I feel like I have developed an unhealthy dependency on her, kind of what I thought she had with me at the beginning. I feel like my anxiety is going to turn into depression because I can't imagine not being with her. I feel like I have nowhere to go. It's lonely living in this town (where I finished college) without her, and I don't want to move back home because my mom is getting remarried soon and her boyfriend has been staying there (that's too weird for me).
She said she would stop drinking hard alcohol and go talk to a group of some sort. I would want her to stop drinking all together, but I know that it probably isn't a realistic request. I'm just worried if I run from this that it will make me extemely unhappy and more panicky, and that my future relationships will end up the same way. I'm also afraid of not finding someone who will understand my anxiety like she does.
I told her I was willing to try taking an SSRI again to control my negative thoughts and trust issues. But in the meantime, I still don't know what is right. Is this more trouble than it's worth? Is my anxiety and fear just getting the best of me here?
I'm so afraid of taking a chance because I don't want to get hurt by it. Sorry if this is in the wrong forum